Life sucks

So. Life doesn't really suck, obviously. Car's broke. We're broke. And my head hurts. Which explains the title of the post.

In all actuality, I'm kind of giddy happy though. The kids are past bedtime, but still need baths, so that's gonna happen. Then the bed and snuggles and 20 minutes of 'But mooommmmm!' from the bigger one.

But then after that? I do believe I'll be getting in the tub. And then getting skankified. Because damn it, I want pretty clothes, heels, and everything that goes with it for a while.Plus I teased Master with it before he went into work, and while he has made it home before I've managed to complete the kids day and get onto my plan for our night, I think it's still a good thing to go ahead and do. It seems like it could be worthwhile for our evening since we've been being in a general mess lately.

So, that's the plan, and hopefully I'll think life sucks less here in about an hour and a half ^.~

Through the mess

Well, if you read my little timeline thing, you know we're mostly clear of EVERYTHING for a whole...2.5 weeks? And even then, that's MY birthday, so I don't much worry about it besides making sure there's food I like and spend the day snuggling up to people I love. So pretty well stress-less.

We made it through our anniversary weekend (last week) pretty well. Snuggles, and movies, and friends. An evening of giggling at Master and his friend when he underestimated the Kraken and drank more than he should have.And he tends to dislike rum to start with, so more amusing than it should have been if you add in that little bit of knowledge.

This weekend...Not so good. I hate holidays. More importantly, I hate holidays that tend to be family centered/oriented. I tend to be told no one is planning on doing anything, and then find out they went and did XY and Z. Together. As a family. Conveniently not informing one of their children. Granted, this is not 'my' family. This is the males family. And he's the child who is not informed. I dunno. I guess it just bothers me since if it WAS 'my' family, I wouldn't have an issue with doing the 'Hey, that fucking hurts. Why the hell do you tell us you're not doing anything over a long weekend, and then an hour later I get to start seeing posts on my Facebook feed about how all of you went and did (whatever)?' talk. As it is, they're not 'my' family. It's made clear to me every time I try to mention something that's bothering me. Or every time someone needs to ask ME for something. It's ridiculous. If you need to ask me a favor, why call, ask for your son, and then have him ask me? Couldn't you have just asked when I answered? If I mention 'Hey, it was kind of shitty to find out that ya'll invited everyone else to do thing X when I had JUST asked about it and was told it wasn't happening' to anyone it's a 'Oh, well, we didn't plan on it' or 'We told Master (obviously they don't call him Master :P).' Additionally annoying when I ask him about it and he wasn't told. ~shrug~

It's just... GAH. We moved back here to be near Master's family. They wanted to be involved with him and any kids we'd have. Not to go into to much detail, there was begging and crying and damned near threats because they were being 'cheated' by us living one state over. So, when job and housing opportunity was better here than there, we went ahead and moved back. And now... This shit. I just dunno ~shrug~

Sorry, I'm using this as a place to randomly vent again. I really shouldn't. It's not the intent, overall, but when I sit down to write something, sometimes this randomness is all that comes up, ya know? And then I go 'screw it, I need to update, and this is all I've got' so onto the interwebs it goes.

running through my head

I get to thinking sometimes and start wondering random things.

Why am I fine with being pushed forward, pants pulled down, and fucked in the hallway? I know most people would probably object. I get to hear all the time that sex should not be a concession and should be mutually desired by both parties and yadda yadda yadda. I can kinda agree, I guess? Not really, it just doesn't seem like that big a deal. I've mentioned it before, waiting for both people to be completely into the same sex act at the same time just seems way to much like a gamble, overall.

Why don't I think twice if I feel a hand wrapped around my throat, or a catching my hair without real warning besides the half conscious ignoring of someone talking when I'm occupied with something? It more seems right than worrying.

As long as the rules and expectations are clear to me, there's actually very little I find worth concern. Maybe that's all it is. Maybe it's just the willingness to accept things I like, or want, or enjoy. Maybe it's just laying it bare somewhere to start with. While Master and I only agreed to the specific roles of our relationship relatively recently, what both of us wanted everyday activity wise was talked over, sorted out, and agreed to a long long LONG time ago.

Beyond that though, I wonder why it is that I actually enjoy, or need, or whatever, the daily occurrences of my life that aren't the norm. I wonder why I tick the way that I do, basically. It seems like by now biology/evolution/whatever would have bred my wants and needs out of a species as a basic of survival. Seems like wanting to be hurt, to bleed, is contrary to everything that should be needed. I don't know, really. I understand that mental processing varies and has quirks that defy the standard. Just seems like there are to many people who share those urges for it to make any sense, I suppose.

Yup, I definitely wonder some random things, and trying to apply logic just makes me wonder a whole other set of random things.

Frustration

Another random post because I feel bad about my lack of blog activity.

It's Master's birthday. He's at work, so I walked over to the grocery with the smaller child. While she was refusing to nap, by the way. By the time I'm done it's obvious she needs to close her eyes and sleep, so we get through checkout. I want to grab a cherry Coke, but the grocery doesn't carry them in the cooler the great majority of the time, but no big deal, there's a Dollar General next door.

So, pack the kids stroller with the groceries and head next door. Let the cashier know 'Hey, I've got stuff in the stroller from another store, just grabbing a soda from the cooler and heading out.' Mind you, we're a one car family, so any time I need to pick something up while Master is working, I tend to just walk over there as I did, and have never had an issue with just letting it be known that I do have stuff, and am just after XYZ from the other store.

Except today, where the dollar store employee decides that I need to either empty out the stroller or take the kid out. Neither is really feasible. If you have experience with over loaded umbrella strollers, you may know the problem. They're not stable. At all. Like take the kid out and it will tilt back and crash.

And, for me anyway, unpacking and repacking the thing would have taken at least 10-15 minutes, when it takes me maybe 15 to just walk home. So yeah, I admit, I was semi-rude. And just kind of stared at her and went something like 'Really? I am literally after a soda. Like walk 10 feet into the store to the cooler, turn around, walk two feet to the register, pay, and then the other 8 feet back to the door so I can leave.'

She says that she 'guesses that's okay' but the tone involved screams it's not, and the attitude is grating on me and I know myself well enough to know that at this point staying is a bad idea, said forget it and left. And I really really REALLY hate that for some reason me being upset and leaving somewhere rather than causing a scene seems to trigger people to start going off.

In this instance, where I know policy overall is not in my favor, I just continued walking out rather than pointing out that I am a frequent customer, and no one has ever had an issue with me explaining what's up and getting what I'm after quickly, and at this point I've already been in the store twice as long as I would have been if I just hadn't told her 'Hey, I have stuff' and grabbed my pop.

But, still annoying. Good news, I didn't go psycho on anyone, which is an improvement, I guess. I got the main objectives covered, which was stuff for dinner (enchiladas, by the way), use my soon to be expiring coupons and store credit slip to grab Master a back up razor, and get breakfast food for myself and the littles. I just hate that today, with the cranky toddler, the trying to hurry so I could get back here to bake, and etc is the day that I get the grumpy chick at the store, ya know?

In other, less pissed off, news! Anniversary is coming up, and that means multiple days with no small children in my house. I am hoping for  fun stuff (of the kinky/painful variety) and sleep. What can I say? I'm easy :P

Counting down

We're two weeks out from our sons birthday.

We're a week from Masters birthday.

A little under two weeks from our 7th 'general' anniversary, and our 5th wedding anniversary.

A month from my birthday.

And later in the summer is a kid birthday.

This is obviously not including:

Mothers day
Memorial Day
Fathers Day
4th of July

Other family birthdays, personal memorial type days/holy days/trying times.

And all the other random things.

From April until August our lives are a clusterfuck. No nice way to put it really. A jumbled mess of 'Ok, one down, what's up next?'

And right now, were rather broke. I'd originally intended/planned on using my financial aid overage from school to get out of here for a few days on/around our anniversary. While its not the most prudent use of funds, Master and I both just need a break, and some time without little people, work, etc. He agreed, and we were planning things, but I failed to meet my needed progress for school and am now having to break for a month or two while appealing. My own fault. Head issues earlier in my term leading to falling behind, which triggered anxiety bull crap which lead to even more falling behind and I just couldn't do it. Add in a death in the family and worrying about people whom I love over that, and it was just a mess.

And I'm feeling like a failure. Really. I don't often decide on things, or suggest them, purely on my own. Let alone 3-4 days of 'Master, this is what I want, and I think it will help. Here's how I intend to make it work if it's okay with you.'

And the one time I do, I screw it up. Sure, I have reasons and what sound like excuses why it happened, but to me, that's just utter bull and shouldn't have mattered. I should have been able to do it, no matter how fragile, or screwed up, I was, whatever else came my way, I should have been able to. I still feel like that.

And now I'm sitting here kicking my own ass over it. Master hasn't said anything about it, I think he knows I'm upsetting myself over this enough, and really has nothing to say. Telling me things will be okay and work out fine would be the natural inclination, but that crap just tends to upset me more, since as I see it, they shouldn't have to be 'fine' or 'work out.' This shit should already have been taken care of, no wriggle or rearranging required, ya know?

In any case, I am now at a loss of what to do to celebrate the happy stuff coming up.  Master agreed to work a LOT over the next couple weeks to make sure he had our anniversary and Memorial Day off. So he's working over a week straight around his birthday. So he'll be exhausted on it, probably. Just so he could have a weekend away that we're not even going to be able to do. Gah. I feel like shit over it, but I can't think of anything awesome to do for him besides favorite foods and such, and even then, he works in a damned kitchen, so it seems pitiful. Well, favorite foods and good sex, but the second I try to do anyways ^.~

Blergh, I'll be rambline again later probably, right now just needed to type out the random gunk and list of 'Oh. My. Everloving. Fuck ME.'

Trouble

I got myself into trouble yesterday. Like intentionally.

And I honestly have no idea why.

I know what I did, but let's leave it at setting up a conversation via IM and leaving it where Master would find it.

The kicker on this is, I really have no clue as to why it seemed like the right idea, or a good one. I'm not just saying that to make myself out to be lost or confused, I just don't. I probably would have upset him less if I had a reason, like being able to say 'Hey, I'm feeling neglected,' or 'I need to talk to you about something, and don't know how to bring it up without starting a fight, so I just made sure there'd  be one to start with.' I mean...Yeah, both of those would have been bad reasons, but at least reasons, and things that could be understood. A general feeling of discontent, and unease, and wanting to see what'd happen? Those aren't really reasons, ya know? And honestly, those really don't play in at all, or at least not that much. They're there, but more as an after-effect after the deed was done.

Blergh.

Yup. I'm a mess.

My head also says I don't wanna do that again, though, so hey, one good side effect of my own stupidity, right?

I'm back

Ok, Master is getting on me about him wanting me to update and post and all things related to my blog. Also known as: Actually do it. So I'll try. I'm trying to get everything else under control, scheduled in, and happening, so we'll try.

Which leads to a problem. My blog was originally intended to focus on my experiences in our dynamic. To not involve family, or my every day mess and life. I cannot do a blog only on that. Oh, I'll probably keep the main focus on that, but more of my life involves school, kids, home, cooking, and everything else. All of that is to better myself, to be more pleasing to him, or to help our lives. So I guess it still somewhat applies.

But it also means that on days like today,where I have nothing really related to BDSM in mind in a way that I can articulate, that I'm stuck.

All I know from the past two days, that I can think about, is this:

If you have a girl child, some days you're going to go 'Huh, I'm lazy, let's just rinse her off and throw on this cute little dress.' It's easy,and she looks adorable. You won't have to fiddle with pants and snaps and everything else every diaper change, and that is AWESOME.

Until you look at her and go...'Hmm. I think I'll do her hair n some pigtails or something. It'd be adorable with the sandals and that dress. I mean hell, a girl in a dress might as well look all the way cutified.'

This is where you start having problems. That toddler girl who will demand you brush or comb her hair for an hour doesn't want you to so much as touch her head if you have hair ties and clips in hand. She wants to flail around at Daddy, or rock back and forth playing peek-a-boo. Or just flail around going 'Nyah nyah! You can't get me!'

And you'll be dead seat on the pigtails, and the clippies for her fly-away hairs, and maybe even a bow. And you will engage your child in all out pretty hair contest of wills. While you may win the battle, you've already lost the war. As soon as you have it all done, she'll either pull it out, dump juice on her hair, or make a huge, bath requiring, mess.

Just don't. Whatever you do, do NOT decide that random days in cute sundresses require some cute hair to complete the adorable little girl persona. Unless your kid stays asleep through it all, it's probably not worth it unless it's for pictures, or the first five minutes of a family gathering.

See, completely out of place for what I was TRYING to write about here. :)

another distraction

Again, I am being a completely unreliable blogger and disappearing for no reason. I have GOT to work on that. Sorry.

I don't think I even have a post in me today, though, so I do solemnly swear to at least get SOMETHING up tomorrow instead of neglecting my little corner here.

Edited prev. post.

I edited the 'Consent?' post, trying to clarify what is actually in my head. It read as judgmental to me, which wasn't my intent, so I tried to fix it. If I failed miserably, just know that it's not what I am attempting to say in it. I am responding to some things that were niggling in the back of my head, as they relate to my life, lifestyle, situation, and relationship, not trying to play judge against other peoples ideas and preferences, or suggest that I'm 'right'. I'm just saying I'm not really 'wrong' either. :)

Consent?

I've been coming across questions of consent lately. Specifically on Pervocracy and Daily Submissions.

And maybe I'm weird here. I rarely turn down sex, even if I'm really not that into the idea to start with. Maybe 'I'd rather not,' but hardly ever just 'No.' I'll say 'I'm not up for anal' or 'I don't think I can handle acts X, Y, or Z.' But I don't recall many straight out 'No,' instances. Very few straight out 'Hell yes!' occasions either.

Add in the other random things I've read lately that haven't stuck in my head as much, regarding safewords (we've never used them), and I'm pretty sure I must be like... I don't know exactly. I never feel my acts are inherently unsafe. I hate it when you ask me time after time what I want or what I'd like. Hell, Master checks in with me when inflicting pain and even that feels like an intrusion after the first few times.

I guess I personally live in a world where my consent is a given. If it's being revoked for some reason, I'm more than willing to speak up about it. I haven't changed my mind in the past five minutes, if I had, you'd know. Making a bit of a stretch on relativity here, while in labor with the older child, I made no secret that I did not want to use any form of pain management. I made it clear to everyone in my OBs office that if I needed anything I would tell them. I made it known that I was informed of my options, and would even know what exactly to ask for. I told the nurses at the hospital this clearly when I went in, and once for every new one who came in to our room. I got asked, literally every 5-10 minutes, if I was ready for an epidural yet, until I finally screamed something along the lines of  'No, I fucking don't want it, if I do, I'll tell you, until then get the fuck out of here, leave me the hell alone, and if you ask me again I may go completely fucking insane on your ass.' (I'm guessing on the order of profanity, I know it was riddled with 'fuck' and contained a decent amount of other varied cursing, but something like that)

To me, that's the same kind of thing. Granted, probably a stretch for a lot of people, but in a way, constantly asking is as much of, if not more of, a violation to me.

BUT

I know myself. I know where my lines are, and constantly bugging me about them does nothing but piss me off, and make me wonder where I'm failing. It is like you're punishing me for NOT having a problem, for actually being okay and secure in what I want. I want sex on a daily basis, if not more. I can live without it, but I normally want sex. I have been with my husband for just shy of 7 years. He knows I want sex on a daily basis, and that I can and will tell him if I am absolutely against it. The Pervocracy post implies that we should still specifically ask if sex, or even just touching, is ok. I'm sorry, but no. Not gonna happen. I'll ask if something seems off, or he's upset. He does the same.  Past that, come bed time, it's assumed that there will be sex if no one has said anything otherwise. Ok, well, he assumes there will be sex, I hope for it.

Is that a bad thing? Nope, not really. I want and need the physical contact, sex, or cuddling, or just being petted. Does that mean that sometimes I feel a need to be touched or touch when he probably would rather not? Yup. Does his sex drive (which exceeds mine) mean that sometimes there is 'eh, why not?' sex? Also, yup. I see nothing wrong with this. I don't see why you should have to actively want something to be okay with it, as is implied. I want him happy, satisfied, and calm. He wants me happy, satisfied, and calm.

Again about the Pervocracy post, it's also implied that any lack of consent should be 100% respected. So a 'No' shouldn't be questioned, ever, at all, for any reason. You shouldn't try to work your way around it, or come at the want from a different angle. I have to say, if it doesn't hurt anyone, what's the matter with coaxing in a defined and stable relationship?

Hell, I'm willing to admit that the other post linked, 'No means Maybe' on Daily Submissions, is a lot closer to our day to day balance. 'No, I don't want to do this right now.'  'But you will, won't you?' Hell yes, especially since the way you put it made me squish a little bit. I -like- knowing he can and will talk me into things I may not want to do or try. I like knowing he'll push, or occasionally just take. Yeah, that gets kind of into the consensual non-consent issue (talk about a weird term), but...not really. It's a theory/idea I don't like. I reserve my right to completely stop anything, or all out refuse. Nope, no actual safeword, no stoplight (I feel another damned post coming on about those now, FML, and not using is completely my opinion in my relationship, please don't jump me about it, though other opinions and reasons for use are welcomed, I just reserve my right to completely disagree and explain why). But, for all of that, any time I have honest to god meant a 'No' all activities have stopped, or any that I wanted to did.

Yes, a lot of that is because this far in, we've pretty well figured out when the other is actually unable or unwilling to process what's happening enough to enjoy or 'get over' it. Tone, body language, and ability to communicate allow this. I would not play with anyone but him with the lazy, laid back rules we use (well, anyone but him at this point, that could change if someone else was around and involved long enough and etc).

I honestly don't feel there is any 'one size fits all' solution to ANYTHING involving human interactions. there's maybe a 'one size fits all' conversation starter, which would be something like 'Tell me what I need to know about your limits, in life, relationships, sex, or anything else important. Tell me what I need to know, please?' but assuming that we all need to, or even can, constantly give consent is rather ridiculous. Assuming that I need to be reassured that I can withdraw my consent, also ridiculous. Those are just as ridiculous as me assuming that anyone else should live by my rules of 'constant consent unless otherwise specified'.

ADDING!

I am not trying to imply any of this is wrong. I'm not saying just because it's a long term relationship, D/s, M/s, 'normal' or whatever, that consent shouldn't be considered. I'm just saying that to me, in my relationship, with my mental processes, that it bothers me to think that people would say I'm doing things 'wrong' just because I am doing it differently.

If you feel a need to have set in stone safe and caution words, that's fine. If they make you more comfortable, awesome. If being checked on ('Hey, you do want this, right?') is something you want, by all means, let your partner know, discuss it before hand, make it work. I just hate the implication that playing without set signals is inherently abusive, likely to cause harm, and a horrible idea, no exceptions.

I will say that a partner absolutely REFUSING a stop or slow down word/signal if you want to use them is horrible, and that if I brought it up to Master and my request was flat out refused, THEN we'd have problems. As it is, our evolved over time informal signals work for what we do, in combination with body language and tone.

The male=Goof

So, Master reads my blog. Like religiously. And normally tosses me his opinions and comments on messenger while he's at work, or in person later in the evening. Kind of amusing since he could just ya know...comment if he felt an urge. I wouldn't find this odd if he was actually starting a conversation, but it's mainly one line statements.  :P

Anyway, about yesterdays post, I was told I forgot to mention the part where I 'cleaned blood off him afterward'. Which I honestly don't even think about, about any sex act between us ends up with him in my mouth until I get pushed off or need to go pee. Sometimes I half wonder if he'd object to me sleeping there, but in all honesty, we both move around to much. Anyway, just a mention since he felt it worth noting.

I have another post running through my head right now, that won't mesh well with this at all. I may post again later with it, depending on time, child cooperativeness, and general life.

Sex and missing pieces

Ya know, I'm aware that we had sex last night. But it's blurry...fuzzy. I don't know why, but it almost always is.

I know we were watching the Lord of the Rings. It's what's in the DVD player upstairs for snuggly after the kids are in bed noise. I know we weren't up there long before Master pulled me over to his side of our bed. He rubbed on me, a rather idle action across my side and hip a little bit. I'm guessing that he pulled my hand back onto him, I'm not really sure but I know my fingers ended up against his balls, rubbing, playing, squeezing/pulling a little more than a lot of people would allow or enjoy (thankfully Master enjoys things just over the edge of feeling good into hurt, I don't think I could ever not hurt people when I am actively involved in sex acts).

Another gap. Something about getting my mouth on him, which I do, or have by the time my memory is clicking back in. I love the feeling of him in my mouth. Weirdly enough, I like the fullness of it, the slightly squishy, somewhat malleable feel of a half hard male. Granted, I'll never complain about a fully erect cock in my mouth, but I like Master when he's not all the way there yet, just filling my mouth without pressing back against my throat, where I can still tongue his balls if I do it right.  It's difficult later on, but to start with, when I'm still focused enough to enjoy the feeling, where I still  hear him telling me that I'm good at sucking, and that I have to be a slut to do it so well, or enjoy it, it's amazing to be aware that I'm causing him to respond.

The next clear thing in my head, I'm on my back, head tilted bad to let him do what he wants with my mouth with him biting at my thighs, feeling his cheek stubble scraping against all the sensitive areas down there and making me squirm under him. I've got a runny nose to start with right now, though, so I'm gagging easily since it's hard to breathe. I turn my head to the side when he's pulled back, popping his cock out of my mouth. He just keeps pushing and rubbing his cock against my cheek, covering me in spit in the process.

Past that, I remember being on my knees, butt to ankle with my arms stretched out in front of me and gripping the mattress at the foot of the bed with his cock in my cunt. I can remember how unbelievably tight I felt around him, and how full I seem to be, and reaching back to pull myself more open and pressing myself further onto him.

And I can remember being back on my side of the bed half asleep and using my hand to push myself to cum.

Then Master curling himself around me, working a  hand partly under my ribs and squeezing me to him, falling asleep held against him like all good evenings end.

My spotty memory is part of why I don't do much writing here about our sex, I have to think to hard to fill in the blanks, play 'what normally would happen here?' or ask Master. Plus I then have to realize exactly how much I don't remember, which is rather scary sometimes.

It was a good night overall though. It felt good, and right, and normal. I slept well, completely through a small child wake up according to him. I know that both little people stayed quiet in their rooms later than normal this morning because no one woke me up until 10 (haven't been sleeping well, so I did need it, though I feel rather bad mom about it now).

And I should shut up now, so I will. :)

Evenings at home

I'm somewhere between sitting and kneeling on the floor, my head on Masters lap. I'm half watching a movie, more lost in thought than actually paying attention. He starts petting me, smoothing hair back, combing through it with his fingers, occasionally tracing his finger around my ear, or across my cheek, maybe running a hand down to wrap very lightly around my throat or tug on my collar.

Eventually, I always close my eyes and rub my cheek against his thigh. I live for touch, and at the end of a day I tend to feel starved for it. Even if most of it was spent in the car with a hand on my thigh, or around people where I could sit near him and throw a leg over him on a couch or snuggle against him. It never feels like I have had enough contact at the end of the day. Maybe it's just not the right kind, where I can be here, by his feet without worry about the joking about being petted, or having my head scratched, like a dog. It feels good, and I always relax into him, starting to feel a little blurry, a little vague, and very content.

And for some reason, Master always has a knack of knowing when I start to get to the warm and fuzzy feeling. Or at least he always keeps idly petting and stroking until after I'm there, maybe it's just that he reaches whatever place it takes him to a little after I do, who knows, I'd have to ask him and I don't really have a reason to. I just know that frequently after I get to the happy corner of my mind, where it just feels good to have his hands on me in a soft way and all I'm really thinking is a mental purr, the next thing I feel is his hand wrapped in my hair pulling my head back.

Half the time I don't even open my eyes, just whimper and try to get back to rubbing my cheek against him. Never really works, in case you're curious. Oh, sometimes he'll slacken his hold enough to let me, but just for a minute before pulling back again. Eventually I'll open my eyes and let my surroundings in. I'll look up at him for a second, or a minute, or what seems an eternity. A lot of the time to find him not even really paying attention, still watching a movie, or checking a forum, or Facebook, or maybe responding to a text. Whatever it is he has fixed his attention on at that point.

Not always, though. Sometimes he'll be looking at me and will run his thumb across my lips, or down my throat. Smile. Say 'Mine' in that tone that lets me know he means it, and will never let me forget. Then he'll go back to whatever he was doing.

So I wait. Wait to feel his hand relax some, releasing some of the tension pulling on my scalp. I wait until I think I have the room to turn my head in towards his hand to lean myself into it, nuzzling a little bit, or maybe kissing his palm through whatever hair is still in the way. Master lets me sometimes, or sometimes tightens his grip back down, turning my head back where he wants it. Sometimes even gives me his other hand to love on, lick, or suck at instead.

In any case, it has always managed to take my warm and fuzzy safe place feelings somewhere a little warmer, a little edgier, a lot needier. It's strange to feel yourself go from a content, non sexual, person to a slippery wet little slut in about a minute, even stranger when you realize that all it took was a hand in your hair holding you still for whatever reason, and then being ignored. A statement of intent and ownership, rather he bothered with doing it out loud or not.

Of course, these evenings can end a lot of ways.  Damn near all of which would be worth mentioning and exploring, but this is long already. Just wanted to share one of the easy things that just does it for me, since I don't hear a lot about the random everyday acts that serve to reset subs, or about the easy peasy things that 'just do it' for other people. If you feel like commenting, I'd love to hear about something random that heats you up, or that you do to your partner for the same effect. Since I never hear about the easy and random, I hope I'm not the only one who has silly things that just do her in :)

Nada

I need to take some of my free time tomorrow to come up with more filler/off day posts, because I'm having far to many of these. Got to spend today at Planned Parenthood (went ahead and got the implant done, instead of having to reschedule for later like you're actually supposed too, though. They were rather awesome about the whole 'I'm rushing because I'm about to be completely uninsured' thing and let me get the one being held for a Thurs. appointment and are going to rush a replacement for the girl who it was actually ordered for. Hugely grateful, though I did not wake up this morning planning on being stuck with a couple needles, one of which was a damned monster [like seriously, I'm going to guess somewhere around a 10 gauge for the actual implant needle.] And I hate needles). Oh,and before that I had to go into the boys school to talk to the nurse. Just been all kinds of 'WHOA, where'd today go?'

And now I'm tired. I just wanna curl up on  my couch, set up my farm in FarmVille for the overnight, watch TV and wait for the kids to settle into bed. Well, I think I may need to move over by Master at some point between FarmVille and and mindless entertainment. Bad NetFlix shows are always more interesting when you're being petted and teased some.

Things that make girl giggle

So, you're sitting here, enjoying Master being at work so you can watch random documentaries that you both know he doesn't want to watch. Your father-in-law brings your son home, and on the way he'd realized how late it was (forgot about day light savings time) so stops at McDonalds to get him a Happy Meal, and decides to grab the baby one, too, so her brother isn't eating treat food in front of her. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound, your father-in-law grabs you a burger and fry, too.

He drops off the food and the kid, explaining. So, do you manage to keep a straight face as you remember what you're watching? Better yet, do you come in to nom on the junky food and turn back on Food, Inc?

If you're me, you do. And laugh. And then post about it :P

Cum

I love cum. In general, without to many reservations. In my mouth, on my skin, in my ass, pretty well what or where ever. Exception: I'm not overly fond of getting goo in my hair, or in my cunt. I'll assume my hair is self explanatory, but I'll explain the other. I don't really like cum in my cunt, I can't keep it all in, I can't get it all out, it'll decide to squish itself out at apparently random times when I don't want to deal with it, etc. Sometimes that's awesome, but overall, just kinda eww to me, though I'm more than willing to deal with it.

A lot of love of gooey male stuff. I enjoy the taste, the feel on my skin. It's fun, and awesome, and in a way, a pretty accurate sign of a job well done.

As usual, that is leading in to something. Master has always wanted to be able, or have a girl able, to have him far enough down her throat that there was no option besides it going down. No option to swallow, just cum down the throat. So I have been spending the past couple months working on getting Master into my throat, and being able to keep him there for a decently long amount of time. I don't even think he actually realized exactly what I was doing, which is probably good. He'd probably have objected to being a lab rat for my little experiment.

Last week or so though, I decided I could probably do it. So I did, and yup, I can. He was excited, which is good. It was the point. He has thoroughly tested this ability since then, which is cool. I like knowing he finds a skill I made a point to acquire enjoyable/useful. Mind you, I'm not saying I can be completely comfortable actually deep throating or anything, I am saying I can manage short amounts of it, and have gotten decent control of gagging issues.

But this is weird. When he's in my mouth/throat I can still feel the swell and throb that means he is close to (or actually is) getting off. I can feel warm, but I don't get to taste or play with it. It's rather frustrating, honestly. I know that he's been pleased, I know that I did, in fact, get what I was after, but I do not get to do anything to acknowledge it, or satisfy my urge for finality, I guess. It's kind of a be careful what you ask for deal, I guess. I very much enjoy having him down that far, even when he gets off. I like knowing he does this because he wants to. But it just makes me want more. Kind of the same situation I face if I get off with a toy in me. It just makes me want 'real' sex more than I did.  And weirdly enough, NONE of that is an actual complaint.

Very frustrating, but god damn, I'm loving it, though I reallllyyyy want cum ON me again here before long ^.~

interruption

Probably not going to be able to get up a real post again today. Good family stuff needs to be checked out when Master gets home, and I still need to get myself and the baby girl showered and ready to go before then.

Hopefully a pretty good evening, even if it will end up  being a late one :)

Ramble

A few (mostly whine type) things:

Blogger: I write this blog. I understand that I, its author, willingly put it behind an adult content warning. You manage to understand that it's my blog when I am logged in/on my computer, and let me do nifty things like do quick edits on it from the main view. Yet you fail to realize that I am 18, and demand that I admit to this every time I go to the actual address of my OWN DAMNED BLOG. Why?

Weather: Make up your damned mind. I can't handle this damn near 70 today while it was flipping 35 yesterday, and alternating back and forth for a few weeks. Pick one, please.

Allergy/sensitivity crap: Look, I was used to not being able to use anything artificially scented, not drinking milk unless it was small amounts with a meal, having issues with some pain medications, etc. That went away after one kid, mostly. Awesome! I could use normal body wash. I could drink milk when my stomach was to upset to eat. Except I then did something silly and had another kid. And now all that is back, but worse, plus I seem to have developed further skin problems AND seasonal allergies. Seriously, cool it. My eyes are sore, my nose is running, and my ribs hurt from sneezy crap. Please, for Gods sake, PLEASE just give me a break for a couple days so I can manage a hot bath with bubbles and pretty candles and good sleep. Then you can go back to kicking my ass, k?

House: No real complaints, but if you'd like to start cleaning yourself, I'd love it. That whole upkeep thing seriously cuts into this girls internet time ^.~

And...

Master: Yes, I know I'm a spoiled slut. Thank you very much for the Godsmack vinyl, and CDs.  Now maybe they can make it into the player instead of Disturbed? Or is that asking to much? :P

Why Male Superiority Bugs Me

Quite simply:

It demeans what I do.

If I am born to be what I am, if my whole role in life is to kneel, then I cannot be given freely, as a gift, to those I think are worthy of it.

If I have nothing to offer except my love, my service,  and my willingness, telling me that those things are purely because of my gender takes the value away from what I have to offer.

And while I sometimes doubt my value, or usefulness, there is always some worth there. There is always something to give, to throw to Master and hope he chooses to catch, care for, and nourish. I offer myself up to him to be shaped, molded, and refined, but not broken and remade. There is inherent value there, and purpose.

His gender, overall, is unimportant, as is mine. An unchangeable fact. Our roles are not defined because of our genitals.

Telling me I am worth less than a man means my gift to Master is worth less. That I should not have bothered with learning to trust anyone with anything, let alone trust him with everything I am.

And really, I'm not. I have no desire to serve 'men' or to please 'men' or be taken care of by 'men'.  I have a desire to serve, please, and place my care in the hands of a man, just Master.


I don't have time today to explain this any better. We'll be having the apartment managers in our home tomorrow to make sure we don't need repairs on anything, so I need to go scrub things and make the clutter less cluttered to avoid any issues or complaints coming up at lease renewal times.

Other girls

So, why'd it matter to me that Master go elsewhere for sex? (this has the potential to be long, sorry)

I originally asked him to during an argument/discussion thing way back when. He could not understand how I see no issues with sex outside of an established romantic relationship. This topic tends to come up semi-frequently during some arguments, or pretty well any time someone is feeling introspective (Yes, we talk about sex almost as much as I use parenthesis). Since it is a semi frequent discussion there's been much opportunity to establish that Master has little to no actual issues with the idea, he just has issues with how it has affected my life and behaviors.

I have always kind of wished he'd take advantage of the possibilities presented to him. I'd like him to 'get' that having sex with someone, or wanting sex with someone, isn't a hidden ploy to replace who you're with in some instances. He has a weird (to me) sense of having to do what is acceptable, rather that lines up with what he wants to experience or not.

So, I wanted him to, for once in his life, have sex without it having anything to do with a relationship. To actually have no expectations of what would come after, if that makes any sense?

Of course, that was something of a fail as he choose a girl he's had a thing for going back to high school, and who is a friend. Which now puts me in a somewhat awkward spot.  I still have no actual objections, but I'd have preferred it were someone less attached to him, preferably without a child, and definitely who would not have had a different friend texting Master later that day about how he heard about his 'good day'.

Yeah, that last part is what is bothering me, the rest would have just been some 'eh, not ideal, but ok' thoughts. I've never really had any 'have to tell someone what I did!' urges, so I didn't even really know to think about who all would know about this. Which is evidently about all the group of his retained from school friends, who, amusingly enough, makes up a good deal of our day to day guests/visitors.

In any case, that's off subject, but I've hit a wall on explaining why I actively encouraged him. I just never saw sex as much past fun, and feeling good, so it doesn't matter to be so long as no one is hiding it. I like/need advance notice in case of objections to the who or when, or a general need to discuss something. I would just like for him to eventually be able to enjoy playing with other people without worrying about the reaction, or expecting that someone wants something more because of it. ~shrug~

 I dunno, I never really got my snuggly calm down time yesterday so my head is still a jumble, leading to a high chance that none of this makes sense, but I tried, dammit!

Weekend rambling

I have no great or even interesting ideas to write about today. My world is rather boring at the moment. I have the smaller child home from Grandmas, and the bigger one is getting dropped off here in a little bit. His cousin had just shown up at the in laws and they wanted to play for a while so he got to stay for a while.

Friday I kept getting birth control posts, and articles, and everything else under the sun, tossed at me from anything I did online. Which is actually a good thing, as it reminded me, and then kept reminding me, that I needed to make an appointment to see about some type of contraceptive.

I have never in my life been on a hormonal birth control, so I'm somewhat scared. I'm terrified of how this will interact with my already issue ridden mental state. Oh yeah, both times I've had a kid, I've seriously considered it, but after the first we moved out of state before the appointment, the second time just had scheduling issues and then got forgotten about.

But, the 12th, immediately after the little guy goes to school, I get to run to the other side of town for an Implanon consult, hoping I manage to get there on time (8:45). And then however long after that it takes them to get the damned thing in I get to go back in.

What's kind of amusing here is that Master and I rarely have sex that could result in pregnancy. Or at least it hasn't been a big part of anything lately. Some chance, just not a lot, ya know? I simply could not handle another little person right now. Master is rather anti contraception, so the deal is basically I have to do it all by myself. He'll give me a ride, help with cost if needed, etc, but he's not going to tell me what to do, if that makes sense? Nor remind me to call and set up appointments, etc.

I'm still kind of worried he's upset with me though. I don't actually think he is, he knows that I'm scared shitless of another pregnancy, and that a while back I lost what was likely a 6-8 week pregnancy and still feel bad over it since I'd spent the entire time leading up to it going 'please don't be a baby, please just be my wonky cycle freaking me out'. All that together, I don't think he's actually upset, I'm pretty sure it's me being paranoid and at least a little bit fragile.

So yeah, that's a long ass ramble about nothing special, just the randomness that's been running through my head over a rather boring weekend. I hope tomorrow that I can spend some of the little guys school day curled up near Master and try to get my head straightened out and quieted down some.

Why didn't I think of that?!

This is random, but I'm excited and I don't think Master would appreciate me calling him to share.

I just read the most awesome thing ever. I was going through the old posts on Dead Cow Girl (awesome blog by a pro Domme, if you don't know what I'm talking about), and she was talking about her sisters bachlorette party. And getting dressed for it. Including...

Socks.

Under.

Fishnets.

Why in the world did it never occur to  me to put socks on under these things to avoid them digging in between my toes? I mean seriously, I wear fishnet stockings about any time I feel like teasing Master to the point of a fun-type ass beating. Under my everyday clothes with heeled boots, so they can dig in pretty good, but nooo...I never went 'Huh, I could put socks UNDER these things and be comfortable.'

So, am I the only person in the world who never thought about this, or what?

Annoying days

So, evidently I'm in bitch mode.

It really isn't intentional, nothing more than normal is bothering me, nothing new is going on, just the past 24 hours or so my self control on things is next to non-existent.

I hate that this happens. I hate that it seems like a convenient excuse to be a brat, an ass, and throw a fit over everything. I don't want to be those things, or do them, but I'll catch myself in the midst of it and try to stop myself only to realize that I've affected everyone around me to the point that it seems impossible to stop it. I know it pisses the male off. I'll be mid rant, or argument, and have a switch flip where it's like 'Shit! I'm sorry, can we just pretend the past hour didn't happen?'

...Of course that doesn't work. Just because I can go from pissed to calm in a split second, that's not the way a normal brain functions. Hell, it's not even the way a 'normal' bipolar person functions. Yay for 'ultradian' (ultra quick cycling) bipolar with a healthy dose of anxiety bullshit thrown in. Just because I'm suddenly no longer excited about whatever is bothering me doesn't mean I haven't gotten him worked up over it.

I wish my mood and energy level had a 'pause' and 'skip' option. Good mood AND energetic? Awesome, lets stop here for more than 15 minutes and go finish cleaning and take the kids to the park. Depressed and hyper? Screw it, lets avoid the temptation to draw blood and just skip on past. Craving touch and content? Cool, lets just pause this and I can get some patient loving on Master done. Irritable and groggy? Bye bye, don't want to do the bitchy sniping. Actually focused and awake? Good time to stay here until I've written that paper.

Unfortunately, I don't get that. I get to go from one to the other at least every couple weeks, sometimes every few minutes, but more likely, every day or two. This was bad enough as a teenager. Ended up failing my freshman AND sophomore years of high school due to attendance (while still carrying a 'B' grade average, for the record, this amuses me). Screwed over pretty well every interest I had. It's hard to finish a painting or a poem if your mood switches halfway through. It's hard to manage to keep a color guard flag up and in time with your group when you're distracted by everything because you haven't been able to actually sleep in a week.

Now? It's harder. I've stabilized, some. I haven't been unable to sleep for weeks at a time in the past few years. I haven't had the urge to keep cutting my skin until I couldn't find anywhere that I could get a straight, uninterrupted line (I'm weird, I know a lot of people who injure themselves and none of them have my hate of crossing cuts, I still don't fully understand why on that). I still have times where I cannot stay still, or where I feel like if I don't get out of my house I'm going to suffocate. I still have times when nothing is right, and I'm convinced it never will be.

So, while I seem a little better, overall, my life now is even less forgiving of my flaws. I can't just expect my Master to do for himself and leave me alone when I need it like I could with my mother. I definitely can't expect that from my kids. When I want to curl up in a ball and cry for a week, I scare them all. When I want to be left alone with paint and canvas, I end up with small hands wanting to do it too, and needing fed, and loved on, and bathed. I can ignore all of that for me, but not for them.

That's not even really touching on the havoc it causes with the relationship dynamic we've chosen. Why bother, then, right? Why not let it just go away, and take one of the issues away. We should be able to remove that whole ball of fuzzy and stressful, right?

No.

We really can't. First, I don't think either one of us would know what to do. Oh, we could probably fumble through a day or two, but it'd eventually end up being a bigger problem to remove this thing we do from our lives than it is to just do it. I do require extra care, extra attention, and occasional leniency, but I require that no matter what. My husband, my Master, and I started in a normal, every day, relationship. Denying the urge to curl up at his feet and focus on pleasing him caused so many issues. I have always wanted to be where I am. Not being here scares me more than being here does, ya know?

Gah. This has become insanely long, and I apologize. If the language offends you, I also apologize for that, but I did show remarkable restraint by not making every other word 'fuck' like this thought process did while it was in my head. Though I guess that statement should head off every blog post that I haven't written in advance and taken the time to edit :)

If you've made it this far, thanks for hanging in through the mess.

A Rant About Male Superiority (pt 2)

So, I mentioned there'd be a part 2. Here we go.

A lot of what I hear or read about male superiority blames everything from crack whores to the economy on the emasculation of males in our society. That they are curbed somehow by women, and that all the woes of the world are because women have trained men not to BE men.

I call bullshit.

If men were so superior to start with, why in the world would we ever have gotten to this point? Why would the feminist movement have succeeded (or succeeded as well as it has) if women weren't worth anything? It seems that if you want to blame weak, stupid, born to be controlled women for making men weak, you have to admit in there that women are not as useless, or lesser, as you claim.

I don't know if my line of thought there is very clear. Here's what I'm trying to say, broken down as it came to my mind:

If all women are born to submit, then all men are born to control.

If this is the case, women would never have thrown up enough fuss to change that situation, right?

So, if men=better, women would never have succeeded in challenging that, as biology would have prevented a large enough number of them to change anything from existing at the same time.

So there's no way we would have emasculated men enough to make them accept us as equals, unless men were NOT superior to begin with, but rather just had the advantage of being born into a society that PLACED more value in them.

Even well before the modern day, women of note existed, and many women were very good at doing the work while convincing the men that it was their husband, or son, or whomever that society would accept as the mastermind.

Yes, women tend to rely on mental ability, sex appeal, and familial connections as their weapons instead of brute force, swords, and war, but it's a different set of weapons, not a less useful or valuable one. If I can get what I want by flashing boobs, and a man can get it by beating someone, I'd actually say my method was more effective and efficient.

I do believe it has always been a game of give and take, and always will be.

Correcting my oops

Well, I did a boo boo on posting last night, I put up my half finished statement about why the concept of male superiority bugs me, and just now realized it. So, I put my proper filler article up and pulled down the other til I've figured out how to make the other make sense. It's still a jumble in my head, so yup, definitely shouldn't have been posted yet.

Sorry to anyone who read the half thought out mess that was up :)

Busy day

I'm not going to manage a 'real' post today, Master was off and we've been doing stuff or hosting friends for dinner/games since about 8 this morning. Amusingly enough, I have random crap typed up for just such days, so one of those will be going up as soon as I post this, probably part 2 of the whole male superiority rant :)

FINALLY

I have been bugging Master since we got together, before any Master/slave relationship, to please, please, PLEASE just go have sex with someone he's not involved with.

He, in theory, understands that sex isn't that big a deal in my opinion. That it's just an act, a fun thing, a pass the time distraction. That while it can be special, and done with love, it doesn't have to be. He even agrees that he has no actual objection and would like to be with someone else, with or without me. In fact, at one point I agreed to stay during a particularly rough patch because he said he'd try to find someone, because it would make me feel better.

HE FINALLY DID IT.

Seven years of bugging him. Seven years of reassurance every time it comes up that sex is fine, its all the emotional sticky that he tends to attach that I worry about. That if he's safe about it, I am fine, so long as I'm informed of the extent of involvement. Sometimes it's been mentioned he might be interested in some type of other relationship with another woman, which scares me, but I am okay with him trying, so long as if I start to freak he's still there for me (my head issues scare me, I'm really not sure how I would do if Master had an actual relationship with anyone else. I'm fragile on some things, and that's one that I can see causing problems that hasn't actually been tested).

So, he slept with someone today. I really have no opinion except that he's making it more awkward than it should be, which is amusing to me, so I've poked him on it some. Yes yes, bad me. But he's so cute! (Please don't hurt me to much later, Master, you really are very cute, and I am suppressing a LOT of my mirth and evil ideas, I promise!)

Maybe tomorrow or later this week while Master is at work I'll go further into my logic and reasoning and all that awesome crap for WHY it was important to me, but right now, I just want to blabber at someone that this finally happened, and it's not exactly the kind of thing a girl can call her mom about.

Ah, friends (and collar love)

We had one of Masters friends/coworkers over last week, as well as his wife. They played cards for a while but I was in the middle of making dinner so didn't get to hang out much or play, just kinda listen and talk a little bit. (relevant later, I promise)

I normally wear a 'turian' collar. Normally as in it's been off for one 24 hour period in months, and that time period ended yesterday. I get tension headaches and the one the night before had been bad enough I'd asked/begged that I get it off for a while so I could get at my neck to rub it without having to break anywhere, and a little relief from the weight. Just couldn't handle it, even if it is a rather thin, it IS still a steel ring.

Ok, that was a bit of a tangent. Master came home from work yesterday, got my collar screwed back down as it should be and no more than five minutes later pokes the collar and says 'I got to have a fun conversation about that at work today.'

Evidently it went something along these lines (N=coworker/friend)

N: Something about he and his wife 'like my necklace, where'd you get it?'
Master: ~confusions~ then "That's not a necklace"
N:"What is it then?"
Master: "A collar."
N: "Same thing."
Master: "Not that collar"

So he then got to go on to sort of explain a little bit ('Yes, we're married like ya'll are, but our lifestyle is different, I effectively own her.' etc) and all I can get about this conversation past that through the laughing is that N asked if Master 'like bought her.'

Which promptly takes me back to another day, another time. Master let one of his (very vanilla) friends play with us. A couple times, actually. A few days after the first instance, he ran me down to the gas station for something, I think we we playing games somewhere and Master wanted a soda, so sent me with his friend to get one. Said friend (J) took this opportunity to ask me if I 'was all right.'

I am confused, and answer that I'm fine, why? He goes on to be somewhat horrified, like a guy staring at a car wreck, about how rough Master was with me, and etc, etc. Now, we'd toned down, a lot, on what we do. I think there was maybe some spanking, and an instance of Master putting his hands around my throat. I willingly pushed against his hands to choke myself, so Master tightened his grip, but evidently this is what J was referring to.

He didn't get it. He was sure it had to be because Master wanted it, not that Master was following my lead on that occasion. He couldn't understand, or really accept, that I enjoy far 'worse'. By the end of the conversation I gave and told him the internet was his friend.

Of course being weirded out didn't stop him from coming back next time he was invited, but I still almost feel like I raped the poor guy. I didn't force him to participate, I didn't make sure he had to stay, he was offered to opportunity to leave at many points. He was the one who said he wanted to watch, Master just took it a step further and invited him to join. But he evidently wasn't given enough warning on what he could expect.

Add in that he was the most passive partner I've ever had, and it just feels strange, thinking back on it.

All of that boils down to this little note for Master:

Master, I know you get bored and read this so here ya go: Maybe next time just let it be a necklace, because however much you think otherwise, I see him or his wife cornering someone for a better explanation next time they're over.

Oh, and I guess that I can highly recommend www.ringofsteel.net /Vad Farkas for collars. The one I wear is 'stealth' and when closed, unless you look VERY closely, it looks like it was crafted around my neck. The response time for questions is AMAZING and he makes to order. When we were looking for our collar, Master expressed some doubt about getting the thinner Stealth collar (1/4 inch instead of 3/8), so I asked if we got it and Master was still unconvinced it 'felt' right, if I could exchange for the standard version, additional shipping of course at my expense. I was told it wouldn't be a problem, just expect shipping delays since he was having a bit of a rush due to the season.

 With all of that, I expected my near Christmas order to take 3-4 weeks, minimum, but had it in my hands in somewhere around 10 days.

And really, I cannot say enough about how smooth the collar looks and feels. It seriously sometimes takes me a minute to find the hinge with the allen screw closure. I can't speak on the lead rings as mine have never been on (kind of besides the point to have a functional collar that can pass for jewelry if it can't pass for jewelry or Master is having to open it frequently so that it can), and my only minor caution: If you do unscrew it, make sure that the screw is flush or under the lip where the edges overlap. The collar will open, close, and screw down with the allen screw slightly through, but it will not close flush, there will be a slight gap from where it doesn't tighten down quite right.

Oh, and I wish we'd ordered a little smaller on circumference, but that's not a flaw of the collar, it's as ordered, just we were unsure of exact sizing and didn't want to have to wait on an exchange.

So Far

So far, I've gotten my laundry goal for the day exceeded, a decent amount of the kitchen done, baby napped, and kids fed.

Not my whole list, by any means, but better than I normally manage, and I am just taking a break to eat now, so may still finish the kitchen and get the main pick up done before Master gets home. We'll see, just thought I'd make myself feel like I'd accomplished something and had things to check off the list.

I posted a list... (Contract, section 1)

Of things I needed to do. Most of which are things that are on my agreed to daily chores chart that I forget to do or get distracted from. So, without further ado, I thought I'd pop up what I'm SUPPOSED to do, as copied from my rules/contract (I'm rewording some of it, but its all there/the intent is the same). This is effectively page one of our contract/agreement

Daily:
AM

Wake up kids and get them ready for the day
Brush my hair
Breakfast for the kids
Start school things for the older child on home learning days (partial homeschool curriculum)

Noon/afternoon
Prepare lunch
Finish up the little guys school on days where that applies
Put the baby down for a nap

Evening:
Prepare dinner
Shower
Bathe kids
Lay down the kids (Master actually does this normally)
Pick up floors

Mop weekly



This list is to be completed daily. I may, if Master chooses, receive help. Non compliance will be punished. I will do these to the best of my abilities and tell Master when I have finished.

I will keep myself clean, shaved, and fit for Master's pleasure. I will seek his approval nightly to insure that I am to standards. If I fail my inspection I will gladly redo any and all parts Master finds lacking.

I fail at this list. I feed kids, yes, I bathe and get them to bed, but I completely blow off shaving for a couple day minimum. I haven't mopped in...Umm... I don't want to admit how long. I never let Master know if /when I complete my tasks. I do things NOT on this list (laundry, my school work) but my home maker skills are still, sadly, lacking. So, occasionally, I have the list from hell to play catch up on, before I can settle back into TRYING to keep up.

Tomorrow's list

Since I tend to check in  here over the day and am constantly spacing out on the housework, I figured I'd give this a try.

I need to...

Clean downstairs, including:
General pick up, and returning items to their homes
Getting all the trash (Masters table, random gas station cups, etc) picked up
Finding all the scattered dishes, baby silverware, etc
Do dishes
Sweep, making sure to get behind toy boxes, under the edge of chairs, etc, for the scattered bits of tossed or lost child food

At least 2 loads of laundry

Make Master's damned cake


For the rest of the week, things I need to work on:

Getting all the cards gathered up and boxed, I'm tired of finding Magic cards all over the place
Find a new home for the board games
Finish sorting through child clothing to get the to small out of their drawers
Clean up and organize my craft cubby upstairs
Rearrange our bedroom
The rest of the laundry

We'll see how much I manage, off either list. At least this way I'll have a reminder

A Rant About Male Superiority (pt 1)

I'll admit that I get a small thrill thinking about this concept. That men are naturally dominant, and should be in charge and the focus of a woman's life. That our existence is solely to please (in all ways) the ones with the penises.

It's a fun little fantasy, an interesting world to use for all kinds of kinky possibilities.

But it's a flawed belief, and far to often I will come across message boards, or groups, or even opinionated individuals who will use this as a reason why I, as I accept that I am a submissive, should be happy to kneel and call anything male Sir and believe that I exist for men's pleasure, and producing more Dominant Men and slave females.

...Uh, no.

If you believe that I should be outranked by ANY and ALL males, I will laugh at you. I have a son, and if he got to order me around, we'd be eating mac and cheese and bologna sandwiches every day, he'd never do anything besides play Pokemon on his DS, and his room would look like an army man encampment 24/7. Not to mention crack heads, submissive men, and people who have a dick that aren't worth a shit in general.

I also have a daughter, and if she wants to grow up to be a Pro-Domme who makes her money via CBT on mortified executives, well, hell yeah. If she, on her own, chooses to serve her partner in a traditional role (housewife) or kinky one (slave, pet, whatever), that's fine. If she is completely vanilla, not a trace of kink urge in her and she and her partner split everything from the checking account to household chores down the middle, that's awesome. I'm not going to say she is worth less than my son, or that she should be considered property because of her gender.

That's a very personal way to look at it, but it applies further.

What right do I, or any woman, have to say that because I enjoy these things, this is what works for my head/life/situation, that it's right for everyone? I wouldn't want to be an all out militant feminist who thinks that traditional femininity is nothing more than oppression. I enjoy those things, rather they're PC or not. I've got no more reason to be what said feminist thinks I should be, than I do to tell her she needs to shut up and kneel in front of the first pig of a man she comes across and offers to suck him because she's 'just a woman'.

This rant will have continuations, as this doesn't even cover half my thoughts on the main subject, let alone the Gor element, or the whole 'Men are emasculated and that's what's wrong with society' argument. I just needed to start somewhere and this really upset me earlier today.

Yesterdays fun

So, I have a corset obsession. On my own, not involving or relating to Master, really. He doesn't complain, but I have them because I enjoy them, not because he does, if that makes sense.

The kind of obsession that makes me go "Hrmm, I think I'm going to go grab the on of the overbusts and wear it for the evening at home." So here I am minding my own business in the pretty purple corset (or rather, we play the Scrabble on the new board he bought me), taking a break every so often to pull my laces in tighter since it's a bitch to quickly tighten down on myself. After the game I ask him to do the bottom set for me as my last pull down since I was letting to much slack back in. He does, getting the gap about even throughout the entire back, and then promptly decides to tighten the entire corset further. Which was awesome and made me an instantly (more) soaked girl.

Of course this leads to me whimpering and squirming, with some 'Oh God, can we PLEASE go upstairs?'

Masters response? "You know if we go upstairs you're going to get beat, right?"

Me: "Why?"
Master: "Because you deserve it."
Me: "But I didn't do anything!" (true, corset alone doesn't even hit the 'girl is being a tease and slut clothing it up' radar, that would require at least adding on stockings and heels)
Master: "..."
Me: "Oh, does that just translate to you want to beat her?"
Master: "Yup"

So I stay there on his lap and snuggly and then:

Master: "You know you're just delaying the inevitable?"

So we go upstairs (Well, Master went outside to smoke first)... and Master starts pulling things out from their stashing spots. First things first, I get rolled onto my belly in our bed. A ball gag is put into my mouth, and Master starts with wrapping rope around my wrists then back to my ankles. I am compliant, because well, I like rope and know he's not that good at it, especially if I'm wriggling or squirming. With few mishaps (I had to work the gag out once to tell him he HAD to loosen up the ankle ties, they were killing circulation) I was a tied and gagged girl. And Master had a rubber flogger.

Now, I like oww. I do. I even like the stingy thwap of the little rubber strands, but this starts to burn after a while, and feel like... I don't know. At a certain point anything that's been hit starts to feel like you fell on concrete and skinned yourself. Not the initial pain you feel with a skinned knee, but the feeling afterward where your skin is going crazy trying to assess the damage, and every time you touch it it feels like a couple hundred needles were jabbed in the area. Now when what's touching it is a couple hundred little rubber strings... shudder. Squishy, squealing girly mess, especially since that was about the time he decided to start hitting me sharply with it, where instead of flailing the strands out it was a more solid thump surrounded by a few single strands of pain. Add in that my flesh was pushed and slightly stretched because this was concentrated on my shoulders and butt just a bit past the corset with some partial 'flip the slut over so I can get a shot on her upper breasts and thighs' instances... Yummy.

Master of course decided this was a good day to document some fun, so was taking pictures off and on. So you have three of my big turn ons combined (corsets, bondage, exhibitionism/humiliation) even before the gag gets pulled out so Master can put his cock in my mouth.

I'm not going to get into the actual sex. Not really sure how he'd take me describing in detail online, but we'll end with I got untied, a cock in my mouth, then balls in my mouth, and finally sex before I pulled off the corset. And later in the evening after we were done with the big fun stuff, anal.

This is rather tame, but the combination of things I love that managed to get involved made it a massively fun time, and I think Master enjoyed not having to pin me down after a few hits (hey, I like pain but that doesn't mean I'm going to stay still for it!).

Anyone else have an awesome fun time recently?

So, I missed a day

No post yesterday, which sucks.

Master got sent home from work insanely early, evidently he was a little ill, and since he works with older people, he couldn't stay. Which kind of sucks, as he is hourly. Nothing major though, just made me want to fuss over him, but he wasn't actually sick so he neither wanted or needed it.

I have no real ideas for now,I just know that I felt bad over not posting yesterday, so perhaps if I get an awesome wanna write something going on later, I'll post for real then :)

Girl's head

I have mental health issues.

Like... Lots of them. Depending on the therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist you ask, I am some combination of:

PTSD
General Anxiety Disorder
Bipolar
Cyclothymic
Clinically depressed
Or
"Unspecified X, Y, and Z"

Yeah.

Can I add in that I have only been diagnosed by a whole 2 people. Fun fun there. If you ask me (I do live in my head, after all!) I'd say cyclothymic, maybe all the way up to all out bipolar, and...Hrmm. I'm not sure on the anxiety one. PTSD in symptom, but no specific triggers or actual remembered traumatic events. I also tend to 'go away' during times of high stress and not remember it much, if at all, later. What  I can remember never seems like 'me' in attitude or action, either. Odd, but eh.

I've never had the balls to tell any of them about my choice of lifestyle. I would just hate to see what all else got added, or how long it'd take for cops to show up at my house, if I casually tossed out "Well, if I'm mid freak out/panic attack/hyper manic episode and my husband grabs me by the neck and reminds me that he owns my ass it seems to help." Something just tells me that modern psychiatry doesn't recognize brute force as an effective treatment.

For some reason, it works for me. It doesn't help me when I'm laying in bed forcing myself to be still because my brain won't shut up and I don't want to wake up Master, obviously. There are some places, and situations, where he can't win against my head. Hell, sometimes touching me, or grabbing me, or even growling at me, just make me more defensive and spin a bit further out of control.

I'm effectively a full time job. I won't lie about it. It sucks to know that I am this big a drain on someone I want to take care of. It sucks to know that no matter how hard I try he'll never really be able to count on me being his girl when he wants or needs it.

The girl and Bondage

I have a thing for being restrained.Restrained here is a very varied word, not just the rope or cuffs that immediately come to mind.

Anything restrictive just does it for me. From corsets to tight pants to heels. I like knowing my body is being shaped to please men (or women), without much 'care' given to my comfort. Add in that in addition to pleasing others, these things actually do restrain movement, and its a 'make girl squish' scenario. I think Master was surprised when we got my first steel boned corset and laced me into it. He thought I was crazy turned on by the much less restrictive plastic boned things (more lingerie than actual shaping garment, you know what I'm talking about, the 'corsets' sold in most novelty stores). And then he tightened the real deal down on me and reached around to check... Heh. Straight up soaked down the thighs level of desperate girl.

Before I start wandering off down corset love lane, let's get back to more general 'bondage'. I prefer rope. I love the feel of it digging into or scraping across my skin if I squirm. It's far more of a tactile experience for me than metal. I like metal, cuffs, etc, but it's just not as awesome. I know plenty of people who prefer it, it's more secure AND easier to get out of. Less risk of over tightening and all that. But to me... It's just not quite there on my list of swoon worthy.

However....(don't you love these little snags?)

Master can't tie a knot to save his life. I can tie myself better than he can. I don't why. I've shown him how before. He's looked it up before (step-by-step instructions with pictures, even). He just doesn't get it. If he has me in front of him, and the computer opened up to a how to, he can recreate exactly what is shown if given enough time. He just can't do it on his own. Which kind of ruins rope bondage. I enjoy force, but if I am having to pause, hold perfectly still and not squirm so he can take 20 minutes to figure it out, it just kind of kills it. If he just slaps it together without taking time remembering the step by step, I'm afraid to test or pull against it. I know I'll be able to wriggle out, and with shameful ease (have done it a few times).

Now,  I get it. I'm the submissive, no doubt, in our bed (some doubts about the overall daily lives). Hands down. I have no room/reason/right to expect to be tied, or bound in general, just because I enjoy it. But I do enjoy it. I do want it. Master has no problems with it, except that he really cannot tie a knot, and we cannot (locally) find cuffs without a quick release. Quick release=no go, by the way. They feel wrong, plus I don't want to be able to get out on a whim. There's no point if I can, and he agrees with that sentiment.

So, if anyone has any ideas on helping the male learn to tie a knot quickly/efficiently (more realistically, if anyone bothers with reading my rambling), please share. He is interested, but I am frustrated and out of ideas, short of maybe buying him a Boy Scout handbook :P

Foiled. Again.

So, Master got called in to work today. Which sucks.

This whole kids/life thing seriously cuts in on what could be fun kinky time. I'd asked a few days ago, knowing he had today and tomorrow off, if we could please please PLEASE do the fun and painful sex. The kind that requires some forethought and planning so we both know that this is not a good night to use the free time after the kids are asleep for building a new Magic deck or zoning out and watching random episodes of a favorite show.

So, my plans for the day (well, evening) had included a bath, some type of 'look at my ass' apparel, and a little bit of an attitude. And making sure toys were in easy reach instead of stashed on the top shelf in the closet. That combination should have lead to teasing, playful beatings, more teasing, and more serious 'OWW!' before resulting in ass sex and a soaked bed.

New plan: Cook, bathe, kid shows, bedtime them, Owner home, feed him, bedtime me. Hopefully still working the ass sex in somewhere.

....

Doesn't sound very fun when compared to floggers and rope, does it? ~sigh~

So, why am I a bad sub, anyway?

One of the pages (Why am I confused?) implies I'm not what my Owner wants. To quote myself (egotistical, I know) I said "Master wants a dedicated, loyal, faithful girl. And a monogamous one. I am very few of those things by nature."

I started thinking about it last night after I wrote that.

I am dedicated, in a weird way. I want to be his. I enjoy knowing that he has the final say in our lives. I want and, to an extent, need that. I would be lost without him. I wake up and want to make him happy, to see him smile. I wake up wanting to be what he needs me to be. I don't want to belong to anyone else, and I  do try my best for him.

Loyal kinda goes with that. Sort of. His definition of loyal and mine clash. I don't want to be anyone else's. I want to serve, obey and love him. That meets my definition of loyal.  He sees loyal to include him, and just him.

Which leads to faithful/monogamous.

 I am neither.

I cannot place the same level of importance on sex as he does.

I just can't.

I also cannot deny that I feel love for other people in addition to him. I can't lie to myself, or him, that well.

Which, of course, causes problems. His solution is that I cut everyone I could be 'tempted' by out of my life. The problem is that that's everyone. Yeah, the males bother him more, but I can be equally turned on by or attached to females, or those anywhere in between. While I am not the most social person in the world, I do need to speak. I need to talk to (adult) people besides him sometimes. Add in that I am not the greatest at starting new relationships, and we have a mess.

The only people I still know how to contact are online friends from forever ago. Well before him, when I was unattached and somewhat looking for a prospective mate. Meaning most of the people I can talk to easily? Some variety of Dominant, almost exclusively male. A lot of whom still have some level of attraction/love/lust directed at them from me.

While I try, and damned hard, not to do anything inappropriate,  evidently my very nature screams 'flirty,' or something. I can have a conversation via text or messenger, email, whatever, and have him read over it and he'll point out at least half that he reads as flirtatious, or as an invitation to more than what I meant. Yeah, I tease, and poke, and be a general brat, but that's how I am. I can see how he reads it, but I also know that to him it's a big damned deal for his girl to be that way with other people. But I don't have an 'off' switch that I can use to control some aspects of who I am/how I represent myself. I already have stifled and hidden the things I know are flirty, but short of just not speaking to anyone at all,  I am out of ideas.

Post number 1

Ok, I suck at this.

It feels like this should be an 'about me' or 'Why are you here' post, but those are already covered (pages, over on the sidebar).

I don't want to just jump in here with my mess, because, well, that's not really fair.

I'm horrible at beginnings. Hell, I began married life just because the male bugged me and bugged me. We already lived together, we had a kid, we were, for all intents and purposes, living as we do now, but without the paper saying we'd committed to each other. I didn't see the point. He insisted, obviously, and won out after quite some time. I'm more of a 'jump in and get it over with' person.

We lived together from day 2 or 3 of our relationship. I just stayed with him instead of going home. I mean hell, I'd have been back over in less than a day, what was the point of pretending otherwise? Add in the young/staying with family aspect and free access to sex just seemed awesome, so, why not?

All that just to say, I'm awkward at starting things. I don't know how to get them going, so  I'd rather skip all that leading up to it mess.

Post 1 is done and out of the way now, maybe it'll be a better blog from here on out.