Girl's head

I have mental health issues.

Like... Lots of them. Depending on the therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist you ask, I am some combination of:

PTSD
General Anxiety Disorder
Bipolar
Cyclothymic
Clinically depressed
Or
"Unspecified X, Y, and Z"

Yeah.

Can I add in that I have only been diagnosed by a whole 2 people. Fun fun there. If you ask me (I do live in my head, after all!) I'd say cyclothymic, maybe all the way up to all out bipolar, and...Hrmm. I'm not sure on the anxiety one. PTSD in symptom, but no specific triggers or actual remembered traumatic events. I also tend to 'go away' during times of high stress and not remember it much, if at all, later. What  I can remember never seems like 'me' in attitude or action, either. Odd, but eh.

I've never had the balls to tell any of them about my choice of lifestyle. I would just hate to see what all else got added, or how long it'd take for cops to show up at my house, if I casually tossed out "Well, if I'm mid freak out/panic attack/hyper manic episode and my husband grabs me by the neck and reminds me that he owns my ass it seems to help." Something just tells me that modern psychiatry doesn't recognize brute force as an effective treatment.

For some reason, it works for me. It doesn't help me when I'm laying in bed forcing myself to be still because my brain won't shut up and I don't want to wake up Master, obviously. There are some places, and situations, where he can't win against my head. Hell, sometimes touching me, or grabbing me, or even growling at me, just make me more defensive and spin a bit further out of control.

I'm effectively a full time job. I won't lie about it. It sucks to know that I am this big a drain on someone I want to take care of. It sucks to know that no matter how hard I try he'll never really be able to count on me being his girl when he wants or needs it.