Annoying days

So, evidently I'm in bitch mode.

It really isn't intentional, nothing more than normal is bothering me, nothing new is going on, just the past 24 hours or so my self control on things is next to non-existent.

I hate that this happens. I hate that it seems like a convenient excuse to be a brat, an ass, and throw a fit over everything. I don't want to be those things, or do them, but I'll catch myself in the midst of it and try to stop myself only to realize that I've affected everyone around me to the point that it seems impossible to stop it. I know it pisses the male off. I'll be mid rant, or argument, and have a switch flip where it's like 'Shit! I'm sorry, can we just pretend the past hour didn't happen?'

...Of course that doesn't work. Just because I can go from pissed to calm in a split second, that's not the way a normal brain functions. Hell, it's not even the way a 'normal' bipolar person functions. Yay for 'ultradian' (ultra quick cycling) bipolar with a healthy dose of anxiety bullshit thrown in. Just because I'm suddenly no longer excited about whatever is bothering me doesn't mean I haven't gotten him worked up over it.

I wish my mood and energy level had a 'pause' and 'skip' option. Good mood AND energetic? Awesome, lets stop here for more than 15 minutes and go finish cleaning and take the kids to the park. Depressed and hyper? Screw it, lets avoid the temptation to draw blood and just skip on past. Craving touch and content? Cool, lets just pause this and I can get some patient loving on Master done. Irritable and groggy? Bye bye, don't want to do the bitchy sniping. Actually focused and awake? Good time to stay here until I've written that paper.

Unfortunately, I don't get that. I get to go from one to the other at least every couple weeks, sometimes every few minutes, but more likely, every day or two. This was bad enough as a teenager. Ended up failing my freshman AND sophomore years of high school due to attendance (while still carrying a 'B' grade average, for the record, this amuses me). Screwed over pretty well every interest I had. It's hard to finish a painting or a poem if your mood switches halfway through. It's hard to manage to keep a color guard flag up and in time with your group when you're distracted by everything because you haven't been able to actually sleep in a week.

Now? It's harder. I've stabilized, some. I haven't been unable to sleep for weeks at a time in the past few years. I haven't had the urge to keep cutting my skin until I couldn't find anywhere that I could get a straight, uninterrupted line (I'm weird, I know a lot of people who injure themselves and none of them have my hate of crossing cuts, I still don't fully understand why on that). I still have times where I cannot stay still, or where I feel like if I don't get out of my house I'm going to suffocate. I still have times when nothing is right, and I'm convinced it never will be.

So, while I seem a little better, overall, my life now is even less forgiving of my flaws. I can't just expect my Master to do for himself and leave me alone when I need it like I could with my mother. I definitely can't expect that from my kids. When I want to curl up in a ball and cry for a week, I scare them all. When I want to be left alone with paint and canvas, I end up with small hands wanting to do it too, and needing fed, and loved on, and bathed. I can ignore all of that for me, but not for them.

That's not even really touching on the havoc it causes with the relationship dynamic we've chosen. Why bother, then, right? Why not let it just go away, and take one of the issues away. We should be able to remove that whole ball of fuzzy and stressful, right?

No.

We really can't. First, I don't think either one of us would know what to do. Oh, we could probably fumble through a day or two, but it'd eventually end up being a bigger problem to remove this thing we do from our lives than it is to just do it. I do require extra care, extra attention, and occasional leniency, but I require that no matter what. My husband, my Master, and I started in a normal, every day, relationship. Denying the urge to curl up at his feet and focus on pleasing him caused so many issues. I have always wanted to be where I am. Not being here scares me more than being here does, ya know?

Gah. This has become insanely long, and I apologize. If the language offends you, I also apologize for that, but I did show remarkable restraint by not making every other word 'fuck' like this thought process did while it was in my head. Though I guess that statement should head off every blog post that I haven't written in advance and taken the time to edit :)

If you've made it this far, thanks for hanging in through the mess.