So, why am I a bad sub, anyway?

One of the pages (Why am I confused?) implies I'm not what my Owner wants. To quote myself (egotistical, I know) I said "Master wants a dedicated, loyal, faithful girl. And a monogamous one. I am very few of those things by nature."

I started thinking about it last night after I wrote that.

I am dedicated, in a weird way. I want to be his. I enjoy knowing that he has the final say in our lives. I want and, to an extent, need that. I would be lost without him. I wake up and want to make him happy, to see him smile. I wake up wanting to be what he needs me to be. I don't want to belong to anyone else, and I  do try my best for him.

Loyal kinda goes with that. Sort of. His definition of loyal and mine clash. I don't want to be anyone else's. I want to serve, obey and love him. That meets my definition of loyal.  He sees loyal to include him, and just him.

Which leads to faithful/monogamous.

 I am neither.

I cannot place the same level of importance on sex as he does.

I just can't.

I also cannot deny that I feel love for other people in addition to him. I can't lie to myself, or him, that well.

Which, of course, causes problems. His solution is that I cut everyone I could be 'tempted' by out of my life. The problem is that that's everyone. Yeah, the males bother him more, but I can be equally turned on by or attached to females, or those anywhere in between. While I am not the most social person in the world, I do need to speak. I need to talk to (adult) people besides him sometimes. Add in that I am not the greatest at starting new relationships, and we have a mess.

The only people I still know how to contact are online friends from forever ago. Well before him, when I was unattached and somewhat looking for a prospective mate. Meaning most of the people I can talk to easily? Some variety of Dominant, almost exclusively male. A lot of whom still have some level of attraction/love/lust directed at them from me.

While I try, and damned hard, not to do anything inappropriate,  evidently my very nature screams 'flirty,' or something. I can have a conversation via text or messenger, email, whatever, and have him read over it and he'll point out at least half that he reads as flirtatious, or as an invitation to more than what I meant. Yeah, I tease, and poke, and be a general brat, but that's how I am. I can see how he reads it, but I also know that to him it's a big damned deal for his girl to be that way with other people. But I don't have an 'off' switch that I can use to control some aspects of who I am/how I represent myself. I already have stifled and hidden the things I know are flirty, but short of just not speaking to anyone at all,  I am out of ideas.