Consent?

I've been coming across questions of consent lately. Specifically on Pervocracy and Daily Submissions.

And maybe I'm weird here. I rarely turn down sex, even if I'm really not that into the idea to start with. Maybe 'I'd rather not,' but hardly ever just 'No.' I'll say 'I'm not up for anal' or 'I don't think I can handle acts X, Y, or Z.' But I don't recall many straight out 'No,' instances. Very few straight out 'Hell yes!' occasions either.

Add in the other random things I've read lately that haven't stuck in my head as much, regarding safewords (we've never used them), and I'm pretty sure I must be like... I don't know exactly. I never feel my acts are inherently unsafe. I hate it when you ask me time after time what I want or what I'd like. Hell, Master checks in with me when inflicting pain and even that feels like an intrusion after the first few times.

I guess I personally live in a world where my consent is a given. If it's being revoked for some reason, I'm more than willing to speak up about it. I haven't changed my mind in the past five minutes, if I had, you'd know. Making a bit of a stretch on relativity here, while in labor with the older child, I made no secret that I did not want to use any form of pain management. I made it clear to everyone in my OBs office that if I needed anything I would tell them. I made it known that I was informed of my options, and would even know what exactly to ask for. I told the nurses at the hospital this clearly when I went in, and once for every new one who came in to our room. I got asked, literally every 5-10 minutes, if I was ready for an epidural yet, until I finally screamed something along the lines of  'No, I fucking don't want it, if I do, I'll tell you, until then get the fuck out of here, leave me the hell alone, and if you ask me again I may go completely fucking insane on your ass.' (I'm guessing on the order of profanity, I know it was riddled with 'fuck' and contained a decent amount of other varied cursing, but something like that)

To me, that's the same kind of thing. Granted, probably a stretch for a lot of people, but in a way, constantly asking is as much of, if not more of, a violation to me.

BUT

I know myself. I know where my lines are, and constantly bugging me about them does nothing but piss me off, and make me wonder where I'm failing. It is like you're punishing me for NOT having a problem, for actually being okay and secure in what I want. I want sex on a daily basis, if not more. I can live without it, but I normally want sex. I have been with my husband for just shy of 7 years. He knows I want sex on a daily basis, and that I can and will tell him if I am absolutely against it. The Pervocracy post implies that we should still specifically ask if sex, or even just touching, is ok. I'm sorry, but no. Not gonna happen. I'll ask if something seems off, or he's upset. He does the same.  Past that, come bed time, it's assumed that there will be sex if no one has said anything otherwise. Ok, well, he assumes there will be sex, I hope for it.

Is that a bad thing? Nope, not really. I want and need the physical contact, sex, or cuddling, or just being petted. Does that mean that sometimes I feel a need to be touched or touch when he probably would rather not? Yup. Does his sex drive (which exceeds mine) mean that sometimes there is 'eh, why not?' sex? Also, yup. I see nothing wrong with this. I don't see why you should have to actively want something to be okay with it, as is implied. I want him happy, satisfied, and calm. He wants me happy, satisfied, and calm.

Again about the Pervocracy post, it's also implied that any lack of consent should be 100% respected. So a 'No' shouldn't be questioned, ever, at all, for any reason. You shouldn't try to work your way around it, or come at the want from a different angle. I have to say, if it doesn't hurt anyone, what's the matter with coaxing in a defined and stable relationship?

Hell, I'm willing to admit that the other post linked, 'No means Maybe' on Daily Submissions, is a lot closer to our day to day balance. 'No, I don't want to do this right now.'  'But you will, won't you?' Hell yes, especially since the way you put it made me squish a little bit. I -like- knowing he can and will talk me into things I may not want to do or try. I like knowing he'll push, or occasionally just take. Yeah, that gets kind of into the consensual non-consent issue (talk about a weird term), but...not really. It's a theory/idea I don't like. I reserve my right to completely stop anything, or all out refuse. Nope, no actual safeword, no stoplight (I feel another damned post coming on about those now, FML, and not using is completely my opinion in my relationship, please don't jump me about it, though other opinions and reasons for use are welcomed, I just reserve my right to completely disagree and explain why). But, for all of that, any time I have honest to god meant a 'No' all activities have stopped, or any that I wanted to did.

Yes, a lot of that is because this far in, we've pretty well figured out when the other is actually unable or unwilling to process what's happening enough to enjoy or 'get over' it. Tone, body language, and ability to communicate allow this. I would not play with anyone but him with the lazy, laid back rules we use (well, anyone but him at this point, that could change if someone else was around and involved long enough and etc).

I honestly don't feel there is any 'one size fits all' solution to ANYTHING involving human interactions. there's maybe a 'one size fits all' conversation starter, which would be something like 'Tell me what I need to know about your limits, in life, relationships, sex, or anything else important. Tell me what I need to know, please?' but assuming that we all need to, or even can, constantly give consent is rather ridiculous. Assuming that I need to be reassured that I can withdraw my consent, also ridiculous. Those are just as ridiculous as me assuming that anyone else should live by my rules of 'constant consent unless otherwise specified'.

ADDING!

I am not trying to imply any of this is wrong. I'm not saying just because it's a long term relationship, D/s, M/s, 'normal' or whatever, that consent shouldn't be considered. I'm just saying that to me, in my relationship, with my mental processes, that it bothers me to think that people would say I'm doing things 'wrong' just because I am doing it differently.

If you feel a need to have set in stone safe and caution words, that's fine. If they make you more comfortable, awesome. If being checked on ('Hey, you do want this, right?') is something you want, by all means, let your partner know, discuss it before hand, make it work. I just hate the implication that playing without set signals is inherently abusive, likely to cause harm, and a horrible idea, no exceptions.

I will say that a partner absolutely REFUSING a stop or slow down word/signal if you want to use them is horrible, and that if I brought it up to Master and my request was flat out refused, THEN we'd have problems. As it is, our evolved over time informal signals work for what we do, in combination with body language and tone.