Again, I am being a completely unreliable blogger and disappearing for no reason. I have GOT to work on that. Sorry.
I don't think I even have a post in me today, though, so I do solemnly swear to at least get SOMETHING up tomorrow instead of neglecting my little corner here.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Edited prev. post.
I edited the 'Consent?' post, trying to clarify what is actually in my head. It read as judgmental to me, which wasn't my intent, so I tried to fix it. If I failed miserably, just know that it's not what I am attempting to say in it. I am responding to some things that were niggling in the back of my head, as they relate to my life, lifestyle, situation, and relationship, not trying to play judge against other peoples ideas and preferences, or suggest that I'm 'right'. I'm just saying I'm not really 'wrong' either. :)
Consent?
I've been coming across questions of consent lately. Specifically on Pervocracy and Daily Submissions.
And maybe I'm weird here. I rarely turn down sex, even if I'm really not that into the idea to start with. Maybe 'I'd rather not,' but hardly ever just 'No.' I'll say 'I'm not up for anal' or 'I don't think I can handle acts X, Y, or Z.' But I don't recall many straight out 'No,' instances. Very few straight out 'Hell yes!' occasions either.
Add in the other random things I've read lately that haven't stuck in my head as much, regarding safewords (we've never used them), and I'm pretty sure I must be like... I don't know exactly. I never feel my acts are inherently unsafe. I hate it when you ask me time after time what I want or what I'd like. Hell, Master checks in with me when inflicting pain and even that feels like an intrusion after the first few times.
I guess I personally live in a world where my consent is a given. If it's being revoked for some reason, I'm more than willing to speak up about it. I haven't changed my mind in the past five minutes, if I had, you'd know. Making a bit of a stretch on relativity here, while in labor with the older child, I made no secret that I did not want to use any form of pain management. I made it clear to everyone in my OBs office that if I needed anything I would tell them. I made it known that I was informed of my options, and would even know what exactly to ask for. I told the nurses at the hospital this clearly when I went in, and once for every new one who came in to our room. I got asked, literally every 5-10 minutes, if I was ready for an epidural yet, until I finally screamed something along the lines of 'No, I fucking don't want it, if I do, I'll tell you, until then get the fuck out of here, leave me the hell alone, and if you ask me again I may go completely fucking insane on your ass.' (I'm guessing on the order of profanity, I know it was riddled with 'fuck' and contained a decent amount of other varied cursing, but something like that)
To me, that's the same kind of thing. Granted, probably a stretch for a lot of people, but in a way, constantly asking is as much of, if not more of, a violation to me.
BUT
I know myself. I know where my lines are, and constantly bugging me about them does nothing but piss me off, and make me wonder where I'm failing. It is like you're punishing me for NOT having a problem, for actually being okay and secure in what I want. I want sex on a daily basis, if not more. I can live without it, but I normally want sex. I have been with my husband for just shy of 7 years. He knows I want sex on a daily basis, and that I can and will tell him if I am absolutely against it. The Pervocracy post implies that we should still specifically ask if sex, or even just touching, is ok. I'm sorry, but no. Not gonna happen. I'll ask if something seems off, or he's upset. He does the same. Past that, come bed time, it's assumed that there will be sex if no one has said anything otherwise. Ok, well, he assumes there will be sex, I hope for it.
Is that a bad thing? Nope, not really. I want and need the physical contact, sex, or cuddling, or just being petted. Does that mean that sometimes I feel a need to be touched or touch when he probably would rather not? Yup. Does his sex drive (which exceeds mine) mean that sometimes there is 'eh, why not?' sex? Also, yup. I see nothing wrong with this. I don't see why you should have to actively want something to be okay with it, as is implied. I want him happy, satisfied, and calm. He wants me happy, satisfied, and calm.
Again about the Pervocracy post, it's also implied that any lack of consent should be 100% respected. So a 'No' shouldn't be questioned, ever, at all, for any reason. You shouldn't try to work your way around it, or come at the want from a different angle. I have to say, if it doesn't hurt anyone, what's the matter with coaxing in a defined and stable relationship?
Hell, I'm willing to admit that the other post linked, 'No means Maybe' on Daily Submissions, is a lot closer to our day to day balance. 'No, I don't want to do this right now.' 'But you will, won't you?' Hell yes, especially since the way you put it made me squish a little bit. I -like- knowing he can and will talk me into things I may not want to do or try. I like knowing he'll push, or occasionally just take. Yeah, that gets kind of into the consensual non-consent issue (talk about a weird term), but...not really. It's a theory/idea I don't like. I reserve my right to completely stop anything, or all out refuse. Nope, no actual safeword, no stoplight (I feel another damned post coming on about those now, FML, and not using is completely my opinion in my relationship, please don't jump me about it, though other opinions and reasons for use are welcomed, I just reserve my right to completely disagree and explain why). But, for all of that, any time I have honest to god meant a 'No' all activities have stopped, or any that I wanted to did.
Yes, a lot of that is because this far in, we've pretty well figured out when the other is actually unable or unwilling to process what's happening enough to enjoy or 'get over' it. Tone, body language, and ability to communicate allow this. I would not play with anyone but him with the lazy, laid back rules we use (well, anyone but him at this point, that could change if someone else was around and involved long enough and etc).
I honestly don't feel there is any 'one size fits all' solution to ANYTHING involving human interactions. there's maybe a 'one size fits all' conversation starter, which would be something like 'Tell me what I need to know about your limits, in life, relationships, sex, or anything else important. Tell me what I need to know, please?' but assuming that we all need to, or even can, constantly give consent is rather ridiculous. Assuming that I need to be reassured that I can withdraw my consent, also ridiculous. Those are just as ridiculous as me assuming that anyone else should live by my rules of 'constant consent unless otherwise specified'.
ADDING!
I am not trying to imply any of this is wrong. I'm not saying just because it's a long term relationship, D/s, M/s, 'normal' or whatever, that consent shouldn't be considered. I'm just saying that to me, in my relationship, with my mental processes, that it bothers me to think that people would say I'm doing things 'wrong' just because I am doing it differently.
If you feel a need to have set in stone safe and caution words, that's fine. If they make you more comfortable, awesome. If being checked on ('Hey, you do want this, right?') is something you want, by all means, let your partner know, discuss it before hand, make it work. I just hate the implication that playing without set signals is inherently abusive, likely to cause harm, and a horrible idea, no exceptions.
I will say that a partner absolutely REFUSING a stop or slow down word/signal if you want to use them is horrible, and that if I brought it up to Master and my request was flat out refused, THEN we'd have problems. As it is, our evolved over time informal signals work for what we do, in combination with body language and tone.
And maybe I'm weird here. I rarely turn down sex, even if I'm really not that into the idea to start with. Maybe 'I'd rather not,' but hardly ever just 'No.' I'll say 'I'm not up for anal' or 'I don't think I can handle acts X, Y, or Z.' But I don't recall many straight out 'No,' instances. Very few straight out 'Hell yes!' occasions either.
Add in the other random things I've read lately that haven't stuck in my head as much, regarding safewords (we've never used them), and I'm pretty sure I must be like... I don't know exactly. I never feel my acts are inherently unsafe. I hate it when you ask me time after time what I want or what I'd like. Hell, Master checks in with me when inflicting pain and even that feels like an intrusion after the first few times.
I guess I personally live in a world where my consent is a given. If it's being revoked for some reason, I'm more than willing to speak up about it. I haven't changed my mind in the past five minutes, if I had, you'd know. Making a bit of a stretch on relativity here, while in labor with the older child, I made no secret that I did not want to use any form of pain management. I made it clear to everyone in my OBs office that if I needed anything I would tell them. I made it known that I was informed of my options, and would even know what exactly to ask for. I told the nurses at the hospital this clearly when I went in, and once for every new one who came in to our room. I got asked, literally every 5-10 minutes, if I was ready for an epidural yet, until I finally screamed something along the lines of 'No, I fucking don't want it, if I do, I'll tell you, until then get the fuck out of here, leave me the hell alone, and if you ask me again I may go completely fucking insane on your ass.' (I'm guessing on the order of profanity, I know it was riddled with 'fuck' and contained a decent amount of other varied cursing, but something like that)
To me, that's the same kind of thing. Granted, probably a stretch for a lot of people, but in a way, constantly asking is as much of, if not more of, a violation to me.
BUT
I know myself. I know where my lines are, and constantly bugging me about them does nothing but piss me off, and make me wonder where I'm failing. It is like you're punishing me for NOT having a problem, for actually being okay and secure in what I want. I want sex on a daily basis, if not more. I can live without it, but I normally want sex. I have been with my husband for just shy of 7 years. He knows I want sex on a daily basis, and that I can and will tell him if I am absolutely against it. The Pervocracy post implies that we should still specifically ask if sex, or even just touching, is ok. I'm sorry, but no. Not gonna happen. I'll ask if something seems off, or he's upset. He does the same. Past that, come bed time, it's assumed that there will be sex if no one has said anything otherwise. Ok, well, he assumes there will be sex, I hope for it.
Is that a bad thing? Nope, not really. I want and need the physical contact, sex, or cuddling, or just being petted. Does that mean that sometimes I feel a need to be touched or touch when he probably would rather not? Yup. Does his sex drive (which exceeds mine) mean that sometimes there is 'eh, why not?' sex? Also, yup. I see nothing wrong with this. I don't see why you should have to actively want something to be okay with it, as is implied. I want him happy, satisfied, and calm. He wants me happy, satisfied, and calm.
Again about the Pervocracy post, it's also implied that any lack of consent should be 100% respected. So a 'No' shouldn't be questioned, ever, at all, for any reason. You shouldn't try to work your way around it, or come at the want from a different angle. I have to say, if it doesn't hurt anyone, what's the matter with coaxing in a defined and stable relationship?
Hell, I'm willing to admit that the other post linked, 'No means Maybe' on Daily Submissions, is a lot closer to our day to day balance. 'No, I don't want to do this right now.' 'But you will, won't you?' Hell yes, especially since the way you put it made me squish a little bit. I -like- knowing he can and will talk me into things I may not want to do or try. I like knowing he'll push, or occasionally just take. Yeah, that gets kind of into the consensual non-consent issue (talk about a weird term), but...not really. It's a theory/idea I don't like. I reserve my right to completely stop anything, or all out refuse. Nope, no actual safeword, no stoplight (I feel another damned post coming on about those now, FML, and not using is completely my opinion in my relationship, please don't jump me about it, though other opinions and reasons for use are welcomed, I just reserve my right to completely disagree and explain why). But, for all of that, any time I have honest to god meant a 'No' all activities have stopped, or any that I wanted to did.
Yes, a lot of that is because this far in, we've pretty well figured out when the other is actually unable or unwilling to process what's happening enough to enjoy or 'get over' it. Tone, body language, and ability to communicate allow this. I would not play with anyone but him with the lazy, laid back rules we use (well, anyone but him at this point, that could change if someone else was around and involved long enough and etc).
I honestly don't feel there is any 'one size fits all' solution to ANYTHING involving human interactions. there's maybe a 'one size fits all' conversation starter, which would be something like 'Tell me what I need to know about your limits, in life, relationships, sex, or anything else important. Tell me what I need to know, please?' but assuming that we all need to, or even can, constantly give consent is rather ridiculous. Assuming that I need to be reassured that I can withdraw my consent, also ridiculous. Those are just as ridiculous as me assuming that anyone else should live by my rules of 'constant consent unless otherwise specified'.
ADDING!
I am not trying to imply any of this is wrong. I'm not saying just because it's a long term relationship, D/s, M/s, 'normal' or whatever, that consent shouldn't be considered. I'm just saying that to me, in my relationship, with my mental processes, that it bothers me to think that people would say I'm doing things 'wrong' just because I am doing it differently.
If you feel a need to have set in stone safe and caution words, that's fine. If they make you more comfortable, awesome. If being checked on ('Hey, you do want this, right?') is something you want, by all means, let your partner know, discuss it before hand, make it work. I just hate the implication that playing without set signals is inherently abusive, likely to cause harm, and a horrible idea, no exceptions.
I will say that a partner absolutely REFUSING a stop or slow down word/signal if you want to use them is horrible, and that if I brought it up to Master and my request was flat out refused, THEN we'd have problems. As it is, our evolved over time informal signals work for what we do, in combination with body language and tone.
The male=Goof
So, Master reads my blog. Like religiously. And normally tosses me his opinions and comments on messenger while he's at work, or in person later in the evening. Kind of amusing since he could just ya know...comment if he felt an urge. I wouldn't find this odd if he was actually starting a conversation, but it's mainly one line statements. :P
Anyway, about yesterdays post, I was told I forgot to mention the part where I 'cleaned blood off him afterward'. Which I honestly don't even think about, about any sex act between us ends up with him in my mouth until I get pushed off or need to go pee. Sometimes I half wonder if he'd object to me sleeping there, but in all honesty, we both move around to much. Anyway, just a mention since he felt it worth noting.
I have another post running through my head right now, that won't mesh well with this at all. I may post again later with it, depending on time, child cooperativeness, and general life.
Anyway, about yesterdays post, I was told I forgot to mention the part where I 'cleaned blood off him afterward'. Which I honestly don't even think about, about any sex act between us ends up with him in my mouth until I get pushed off or need to go pee. Sometimes I half wonder if he'd object to me sleeping there, but in all honesty, we both move around to much. Anyway, just a mention since he felt it worth noting.
I have another post running through my head right now, that won't mesh well with this at all. I may post again later with it, depending on time, child cooperativeness, and general life.
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Sex and missing pieces
Ya know, I'm aware that we had sex last night. But it's blurry...fuzzy. I don't know why, but it almost always is.
I know we were watching the Lord of the Rings. It's what's in the DVD player upstairs for snuggly after the kids are in bed noise. I know we weren't up there long before Master pulled me over to his side of our bed. He rubbed on me, a rather idle action across my side and hip a little bit. I'm guessing that he pulled my hand back onto him, I'm not really sure but I know my fingers ended up against his balls, rubbing, playing, squeezing/pulling a little more than a lot of people would allow or enjoy (thankfully Master enjoys things just over the edge of feeling good into hurt, I don't think I could ever not hurt people when I am actively involved in sex acts).
Another gap. Something about getting my mouth on him, which I do, or have by the time my memory is clicking back in. I love the feeling of him in my mouth. Weirdly enough, I like the fullness of it, the slightly squishy, somewhat malleable feel of a half hard male. Granted, I'll never complain about a fully erect cock in my mouth, but I like Master when he's not all the way there yet, just filling my mouth without pressing back against my throat, where I can still tongue his balls if I do it right. It's difficult later on, but to start with, when I'm still focused enough to enjoy the feeling, where I still hear him telling me that I'm good at sucking, and that I have to be a slut to do it so well, or enjoy it, it's amazing to be aware that I'm causing him to respond.
The next clear thing in my head, I'm on my back, head tilted bad to let him do what he wants with my mouth with him biting at my thighs, feeling his cheek stubble scraping against all the sensitive areas down there and making me squirm under him. I've got a runny nose to start with right now, though, so I'm gagging easily since it's hard to breathe. I turn my head to the side when he's pulled back, popping his cock out of my mouth. He just keeps pushing and rubbing his cock against my cheek, covering me in spit in the process.
Past that, I remember being on my knees, butt to ankle with my arms stretched out in front of me and gripping the mattress at the foot of the bed with his cock in my cunt. I can remember how unbelievably tight I felt around him, and how full I seem to be, and reaching back to pull myself more open and pressing myself further onto him.
And I can remember being back on my side of the bed half asleep and using my hand to push myself to cum.
Then Master curling himself around me, working a hand partly under my ribs and squeezing me to him, falling asleep held against him like all good evenings end.
My spotty memory is part of why I don't do much writing here about our sex, I have to think to hard to fill in the blanks, play 'what normally would happen here?' or ask Master. Plus I then have to realize exactly how much I don't remember, which is rather scary sometimes.
It was a good night overall though. It felt good, and right, and normal. I slept well, completely through a small child wake up according to him. I know that both little people stayed quiet in their rooms later than normal this morning because no one woke me up until 10 (haven't been sleeping well, so I did need it, though I feel rather bad mom about it now).
And I should shut up now, so I will. :)
I know we were watching the Lord of the Rings. It's what's in the DVD player upstairs for snuggly after the kids are in bed noise. I know we weren't up there long before Master pulled me over to his side of our bed. He rubbed on me, a rather idle action across my side and hip a little bit. I'm guessing that he pulled my hand back onto him, I'm not really sure but I know my fingers ended up against his balls, rubbing, playing, squeezing/pulling a little more than a lot of people would allow or enjoy (thankfully Master enjoys things just over the edge of feeling good into hurt, I don't think I could ever not hurt people when I am actively involved in sex acts).
Another gap. Something about getting my mouth on him, which I do, or have by the time my memory is clicking back in. I love the feeling of him in my mouth. Weirdly enough, I like the fullness of it, the slightly squishy, somewhat malleable feel of a half hard male. Granted, I'll never complain about a fully erect cock in my mouth, but I like Master when he's not all the way there yet, just filling my mouth without pressing back against my throat, where I can still tongue his balls if I do it right. It's difficult later on, but to start with, when I'm still focused enough to enjoy the feeling, where I still hear him telling me that I'm good at sucking, and that I have to be a slut to do it so well, or enjoy it, it's amazing to be aware that I'm causing him to respond.
The next clear thing in my head, I'm on my back, head tilted bad to let him do what he wants with my mouth with him biting at my thighs, feeling his cheek stubble scraping against all the sensitive areas down there and making me squirm under him. I've got a runny nose to start with right now, though, so I'm gagging easily since it's hard to breathe. I turn my head to the side when he's pulled back, popping his cock out of my mouth. He just keeps pushing and rubbing his cock against my cheek, covering me in spit in the process.
Past that, I remember being on my knees, butt to ankle with my arms stretched out in front of me and gripping the mattress at the foot of the bed with his cock in my cunt. I can remember how unbelievably tight I felt around him, and how full I seem to be, and reaching back to pull myself more open and pressing myself further onto him.
And I can remember being back on my side of the bed half asleep and using my hand to push myself to cum.
Then Master curling himself around me, working a hand partly under my ribs and squeezing me to him, falling asleep held against him like all good evenings end.
My spotty memory is part of why I don't do much writing here about our sex, I have to think to hard to fill in the blanks, play 'what normally would happen here?' or ask Master. Plus I then have to realize exactly how much I don't remember, which is rather scary sometimes.
It was a good night overall though. It felt good, and right, and normal. I slept well, completely through a small child wake up according to him. I know that both little people stayed quiet in their rooms later than normal this morning because no one woke me up until 10 (haven't been sleeping well, so I did need it, though I feel rather bad mom about it now).
And I should shut up now, so I will. :)
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Evenings at home
I'm somewhere between sitting and kneeling on the floor, my head on Masters lap. I'm half watching a movie, more lost in thought than actually paying attention. He starts petting me, smoothing hair back, combing through it with his fingers, occasionally tracing his finger around my ear, or across my cheek, maybe running a hand down to wrap very lightly around my throat or tug on my collar.
Eventually, I always close my eyes and rub my cheek against his thigh. I live for touch, and at the end of a day I tend to feel starved for it. Even if most of it was spent in the car with a hand on my thigh, or around people where I could sit near him and throw a leg over him on a couch or snuggle against him. It never feels like I have had enough contact at the end of the day. Maybe it's just not the right kind, where I can be here, by his feet without worry about the joking about being petted, or having my head scratched, like a dog. It feels good, and I always relax into him, starting to feel a little blurry, a little vague, and very content.
And for some reason, Master always has a knack of knowing when I start to get to the warm and fuzzy feeling. Or at least he always keeps idly petting and stroking until after I'm there, maybe it's just that he reaches whatever place it takes him to a little after I do, who knows, I'd have to ask him and I don't really have a reason to. I just know that frequently after I get to the happy corner of my mind, where it just feels good to have his hands on me in a soft way and all I'm really thinking is a mental purr, the next thing I feel is his hand wrapped in my hair pulling my head back.
Half the time I don't even open my eyes, just whimper and try to get back to rubbing my cheek against him. Never really works, in case you're curious. Oh, sometimes he'll slacken his hold enough to let me, but just for a minute before pulling back again. Eventually I'll open my eyes and let my surroundings in. I'll look up at him for a second, or a minute, or what seems an eternity. A lot of the time to find him not even really paying attention, still watching a movie, or checking a forum, or Facebook, or maybe responding to a text. Whatever it is he has fixed his attention on at that point.
Not always, though. Sometimes he'll be looking at me and will run his thumb across my lips, or down my throat. Smile. Say 'Mine' in that tone that lets me know he means it, and will never let me forget. Then he'll go back to whatever he was doing.
So I wait. Wait to feel his hand relax some, releasing some of the tension pulling on my scalp. I wait until I think I have the room to turn my head in towards his hand to lean myself into it, nuzzling a little bit, or maybe kissing his palm through whatever hair is still in the way. Master lets me sometimes, or sometimes tightens his grip back down, turning my head back where he wants it. Sometimes even gives me his other hand to love on, lick, or suck at instead.
In any case, it has always managed to take my warm and fuzzy safe place feelings somewhere a little warmer, a little edgier, a lot needier. It's strange to feel yourself go from a content, non sexual, person to a slippery wet little slut in about a minute, even stranger when you realize that all it took was a hand in your hair holding you still for whatever reason, and then being ignored. A statement of intent and ownership, rather he bothered with doing it out loud or not.
Of course, these evenings can end a lot of ways. Damn near all of which would be worth mentioning and exploring, but this is long already. Just wanted to share one of the easy things that just does it for me, since I don't hear a lot about the random everyday acts that serve to reset subs, or about the easy peasy things that 'just do it' for other people. If you feel like commenting, I'd love to hear about something random that heats you up, or that you do to your partner for the same effect. Since I never hear about the easy and random, I hope I'm not the only one who has silly things that just do her in :)
Eventually, I always close my eyes and rub my cheek against his thigh. I live for touch, and at the end of a day I tend to feel starved for it. Even if most of it was spent in the car with a hand on my thigh, or around people where I could sit near him and throw a leg over him on a couch or snuggle against him. It never feels like I have had enough contact at the end of the day. Maybe it's just not the right kind, where I can be here, by his feet without worry about the joking about being petted, or having my head scratched, like a dog. It feels good, and I always relax into him, starting to feel a little blurry, a little vague, and very content.
And for some reason, Master always has a knack of knowing when I start to get to the warm and fuzzy feeling. Or at least he always keeps idly petting and stroking until after I'm there, maybe it's just that he reaches whatever place it takes him to a little after I do, who knows, I'd have to ask him and I don't really have a reason to. I just know that frequently after I get to the happy corner of my mind, where it just feels good to have his hands on me in a soft way and all I'm really thinking is a mental purr, the next thing I feel is his hand wrapped in my hair pulling my head back.
Half the time I don't even open my eyes, just whimper and try to get back to rubbing my cheek against him. Never really works, in case you're curious. Oh, sometimes he'll slacken his hold enough to let me, but just for a minute before pulling back again. Eventually I'll open my eyes and let my surroundings in. I'll look up at him for a second, or a minute, or what seems an eternity. A lot of the time to find him not even really paying attention, still watching a movie, or checking a forum, or Facebook, or maybe responding to a text. Whatever it is he has fixed his attention on at that point.
Not always, though. Sometimes he'll be looking at me and will run his thumb across my lips, or down my throat. Smile. Say 'Mine' in that tone that lets me know he means it, and will never let me forget. Then he'll go back to whatever he was doing.
So I wait. Wait to feel his hand relax some, releasing some of the tension pulling on my scalp. I wait until I think I have the room to turn my head in towards his hand to lean myself into it, nuzzling a little bit, or maybe kissing his palm through whatever hair is still in the way. Master lets me sometimes, or sometimes tightens his grip back down, turning my head back where he wants it. Sometimes even gives me his other hand to love on, lick, or suck at instead.
In any case, it has always managed to take my warm and fuzzy safe place feelings somewhere a little warmer, a little edgier, a lot needier. It's strange to feel yourself go from a content, non sexual, person to a slippery wet little slut in about a minute, even stranger when you realize that all it took was a hand in your hair holding you still for whatever reason, and then being ignored. A statement of intent and ownership, rather he bothered with doing it out loud or not.
Of course, these evenings can end a lot of ways. Damn near all of which would be worth mentioning and exploring, but this is long already. Just wanted to share one of the easy things that just does it for me, since I don't hear a lot about the random everyday acts that serve to reset subs, or about the easy peasy things that 'just do it' for other people. If you feel like commenting, I'd love to hear about something random that heats you up, or that you do to your partner for the same effect. Since I never hear about the easy and random, I hope I'm not the only one who has silly things that just do her in :)
Monday, March 12, 2012
Nada
I need to take some of my free time tomorrow to come up with more filler/off day posts, because I'm having far to many of these. Got to spend today at Planned Parenthood (went ahead and got the implant done, instead of having to reschedule for later like you're actually supposed too, though. They were rather awesome about the whole 'I'm rushing because I'm about to be completely uninsured' thing and let me get the one being held for a Thurs. appointment and are going to rush a replacement for the girl who it was actually ordered for. Hugely grateful, though I did not wake up this morning planning on being stuck with a couple needles, one of which was a damned monster [like seriously, I'm going to guess somewhere around a 10 gauge for the actual implant needle.] And I hate needles). Oh,and before that I had to go into the boys school to talk to the nurse. Just been all kinds of 'WHOA, where'd today go?'
And now I'm tired. I just wanna curl up on my couch, set up my farm in FarmVille for the overnight, watch TV and wait for the kids to settle into bed. Well, I think I may need to move over by Master at some point between FarmVille and and mindless entertainment. Bad NetFlix shows are always more interesting when you're being petted and teased some.
And now I'm tired. I just wanna curl up on my couch, set up my farm in FarmVille for the overnight, watch TV and wait for the kids to settle into bed. Well, I think I may need to move over by Master at some point between FarmVille and and mindless entertainment. Bad NetFlix shows are always more interesting when you're being petted and teased some.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Things that make girl giggle
So, you're sitting here, enjoying Master being at work so you can watch random documentaries that you both know he doesn't want to watch. Your father-in-law brings your son home, and on the way he'd realized how late it was (forgot about day light savings time) so stops at McDonalds to get him a Happy Meal, and decides to grab the baby one, too, so her brother isn't eating treat food in front of her. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound, your father-in-law grabs you a burger and fry, too.
He drops off the food and the kid, explaining. So, do you manage to keep a straight face as you remember what you're watching? Better yet, do you come in to nom on the junky food and turn back on Food, Inc?
If you're me, you do. And laugh. And then post about it :P
He drops off the food and the kid, explaining. So, do you manage to keep a straight face as you remember what you're watching? Better yet, do you come in to nom on the junky food and turn back on Food, Inc?
If you're me, you do. And laugh. And then post about it :P
Cum
I love cum. In general, without to many reservations. In my mouth, on my skin, in my ass, pretty well what or where ever. Exception: I'm not overly fond of getting goo in my hair, or in my cunt. I'll assume my hair is self explanatory, but I'll explain the other. I don't really like cum in my cunt, I can't keep it all in, I can't get it all out, it'll decide to squish itself out at apparently random times when I don't want to deal with it, etc. Sometimes that's awesome, but overall, just kinda eww to me, though I'm more than willing to deal with it.
A lot of love of gooey male stuff. I enjoy the taste, the feel on my skin. It's fun, and awesome, and in a way, a pretty accurate sign of a job well done.
As usual, that is leading in to something. Master has always wanted to be able, or have a girl able, to have him far enough down her throat that there was no option besides it going down. No option to swallow, just cum down the throat. So I have been spending the past couple months working on getting Master into my throat, and being able to keep him there for a decently long amount of time. I don't even think he actually realized exactly what I was doing, which is probably good. He'd probably have objected to being a lab rat for my little experiment.
Last week or so though, I decided I could probably do it. So I did, and yup, I can. He was excited, which is good. It was the point. He has thoroughly tested this ability since then, which is cool. I like knowing he finds a skill I made a point to acquire enjoyable/useful. Mind you, I'm not saying I can be completely comfortable actually deep throating or anything, I am saying I can manage short amounts of it, and have gotten decent control of gagging issues.
But this is weird. When he's in my mouth/throat I can still feel the swell and throb that means he is close to (or actually is) getting off. I can feel warm, but I don't get to taste or play with it. It's rather frustrating, honestly. I know that he's been pleased, I know that I did, in fact, get what I was after, but I do not get to do anything to acknowledge it, or satisfy my urge for finality, I guess. It's kind of a be careful what you ask for deal, I guess. I very much enjoy having him down that far, even when he gets off. I like knowing he does this because he wants to. But it just makes me want more. Kind of the same situation I face if I get off with a toy in me. It just makes me want 'real' sex more than I did. And weirdly enough, NONE of that is an actual complaint.
Very frustrating, but god damn, I'm loving it, though I reallllyyyy want cum ON me again here before long ^.~
A lot of love of gooey male stuff. I enjoy the taste, the feel on my skin. It's fun, and awesome, and in a way, a pretty accurate sign of a job well done.
As usual, that is leading in to something. Master has always wanted to be able, or have a girl able, to have him far enough down her throat that there was no option besides it going down. No option to swallow, just cum down the throat. So I have been spending the past couple months working on getting Master into my throat, and being able to keep him there for a decently long amount of time. I don't even think he actually realized exactly what I was doing, which is probably good. He'd probably have objected to being a lab rat for my little experiment.
Last week or so though, I decided I could probably do it. So I did, and yup, I can. He was excited, which is good. It was the point. He has thoroughly tested this ability since then, which is cool. I like knowing he finds a skill I made a point to acquire enjoyable/useful. Mind you, I'm not saying I can be completely comfortable actually deep throating or anything, I am saying I can manage short amounts of it, and have gotten decent control of gagging issues.
But this is weird. When he's in my mouth/throat I can still feel the swell and throb that means he is close to (or actually is) getting off. I can feel warm, but I don't get to taste or play with it. It's rather frustrating, honestly. I know that he's been pleased, I know that I did, in fact, get what I was after, but I do not get to do anything to acknowledge it, or satisfy my urge for finality, I guess. It's kind of a be careful what you ask for deal, I guess. I very much enjoy having him down that far, even when he gets off. I like knowing he does this because he wants to. But it just makes me want more. Kind of the same situation I face if I get off with a toy in me. It just makes me want 'real' sex more than I did. And weirdly enough, NONE of that is an actual complaint.
Very frustrating, but god damn, I'm loving it, though I reallllyyyy want cum ON me again here before long ^.~
Friday, March 9, 2012
interruption
Probably not going to be able to get up a real post again today. Good family stuff needs to be checked out when Master gets home, and I still need to get myself and the baby girl showered and ready to go before then.
Hopefully a pretty good evening, even if it will end up being a late one :)
Hopefully a pretty good evening, even if it will end up being a late one :)
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Ramble
A few (mostly whine type) things:
Blogger: I write this blog. I understand that I, its author, willingly put it behind an adult content warning. You manage to understand that it's my blog when I am logged in/on my computer, and let me do nifty things like do quick edits on it from the main view. Yet you fail to realize that I am 18, and demand that I admit to this every time I go to the actual address of my OWN DAMNED BLOG. Why?
Weather: Make up your damned mind. I can't handle this damn near 70 today while it was flipping 35 yesterday, and alternating back and forth for a few weeks. Pick one, please.
Allergy/sensitivity crap: Look, I was used to not being able to use anything artificially scented, not drinking milk unless it was small amounts with a meal, having issues with some pain medications, etc. That went away after one kid, mostly. Awesome! I could use normal body wash. I could drink milk when my stomach was to upset to eat. Except I then did something silly and had another kid. And now all that is back, but worse, plus I seem to have developed further skin problems AND seasonal allergies. Seriously, cool it. My eyes are sore, my nose is running, and my ribs hurt from sneezy crap. Please, for Gods sake, PLEASE just give me a break for a couple days so I can manage a hot bath with bubbles and pretty candles and good sleep. Then you can go back to kicking my ass, k?
House: No real complaints, but if you'd like to start cleaning yourself, I'd love it. That whole upkeep thing seriously cuts into this girls internet time ^.~
And...
Master: Yes, I know I'm a spoiled slut. Thank you very much for the Godsmack vinyl, and CDs. Now maybe they can make it into the player instead of Disturbed? Or is that asking to much? :P
Blogger: I write this blog. I understand that I, its author, willingly put it behind an adult content warning. You manage to understand that it's my blog when I am logged in/on my computer, and let me do nifty things like do quick edits on it from the main view. Yet you fail to realize that I am 18, and demand that I admit to this every time I go to the actual address of my OWN DAMNED BLOG. Why?
Weather: Make up your damned mind. I can't handle this damn near 70 today while it was flipping 35 yesterday, and alternating back and forth for a few weeks. Pick one, please.
Allergy/sensitivity crap: Look, I was used to not being able to use anything artificially scented, not drinking milk unless it was small amounts with a meal, having issues with some pain medications, etc. That went away after one kid, mostly. Awesome! I could use normal body wash. I could drink milk when my stomach was to upset to eat. Except I then did something silly and had another kid. And now all that is back, but worse, plus I seem to have developed further skin problems AND seasonal allergies. Seriously, cool it. My eyes are sore, my nose is running, and my ribs hurt from sneezy crap. Please, for Gods sake, PLEASE just give me a break for a couple days so I can manage a hot bath with bubbles and pretty candles and good sleep. Then you can go back to kicking my ass, k?
House: No real complaints, but if you'd like to start cleaning yourself, I'd love it. That whole upkeep thing seriously cuts into this girls internet time ^.~
And...
Master: Yes, I know I'm a spoiled slut. Thank you very much for the Godsmack vinyl, and CDs. Now maybe they can make it into the player instead of Disturbed? Or is that asking to much? :P
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Why Male Superiority Bugs Me
Quite simply:
It demeans what I do.
If I am born to be what I am, if my whole role in life is to kneel, then I cannot be given freely, as a gift, to those I think are worthy of it.
If I have nothing to offer except my love, my service, and my willingness, telling me that those things are purely because of my gender takes the value away from what I have to offer.
And while I sometimes doubt my value, or usefulness, there is always some worth there. There is always something to give, to throw to Master and hope he chooses to catch, care for, and nourish. I offer myself up to him to be shaped, molded, and refined, but not broken and remade. There is inherent value there, and purpose.
His gender, overall, is unimportant, as is mine. An unchangeable fact. Our roles are not defined because of our genitals.
Telling me I am worth less than a man means my gift to Master is worth less. That I should not have bothered with learning to trust anyone with anything, let alone trust him with everything I am.
And really, I'm not. I have no desire to serve 'men' or to please 'men' or be taken care of by 'men'. I have a desire to serve, please, and place my care in the hands of a man, just Master.
I don't have time today to explain this any better. We'll be having the apartment managers in our home tomorrow to make sure we don't need repairs on anything, so I need to go scrub things and make the clutter less cluttered to avoid any issues or complaints coming up at lease renewal times.
It demeans what I do.
If I am born to be what I am, if my whole role in life is to kneel, then I cannot be given freely, as a gift, to those I think are worthy of it.
If I have nothing to offer except my love, my service, and my willingness, telling me that those things are purely because of my gender takes the value away from what I have to offer.
And while I sometimes doubt my value, or usefulness, there is always some worth there. There is always something to give, to throw to Master and hope he chooses to catch, care for, and nourish. I offer myself up to him to be shaped, molded, and refined, but not broken and remade. There is inherent value there, and purpose.
His gender, overall, is unimportant, as is mine. An unchangeable fact. Our roles are not defined because of our genitals.
Telling me I am worth less than a man means my gift to Master is worth less. That I should not have bothered with learning to trust anyone with anything, let alone trust him with everything I am.
And really, I'm not. I have no desire to serve 'men' or to please 'men' or be taken care of by 'men'. I have a desire to serve, please, and place my care in the hands of a man, just Master.
I don't have time today to explain this any better. We'll be having the apartment managers in our home tomorrow to make sure we don't need repairs on anything, so I need to go scrub things and make the clutter less cluttered to avoid any issues or complaints coming up at lease renewal times.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Other girls
So, why'd it matter to me that Master go elsewhere for sex? (this has the potential to be long, sorry)
I originally asked him to during an argument/discussion thing way back when. He could not understand how I see no issues with sex outside of an established romantic relationship. This topic tends to come up semi-frequently during some arguments, or pretty well any time someone is feeling introspective (Yes, we talk about sex almost as much as I use parenthesis). Since it is a semi frequent discussion there's been much opportunity to establish that Master has little to no actual issues with the idea, he just has issues with how it has affected my life and behaviors.
I have always kind of wished he'd take advantage of the possibilities presented to him. I'd like him to 'get' that having sex with someone, or wanting sex with someone, isn't a hidden ploy to replace who you're with in some instances. He has a weird (to me) sense of having to do what is acceptable, rather that lines up with what he wants to experience or not.
So, I wanted him to, for once in his life, have sex without it having anything to do with a relationship. To actually have no expectations of what would come after, if that makes any sense?
Of course, that was something of a fail as he choose a girl he's had a thing for going back to high school, and who is a friend. Which now puts me in a somewhat awkward spot. I still have no actual objections, but I'd have preferred it were someone less attached to him, preferably without a child, and definitely who would not have had a different friend texting Master later that day about how he heard about his 'good day'.
Yeah, that last part is what is bothering me, the rest would have just been some 'eh, not ideal, but ok' thoughts. I've never really had any 'have to tell someone what I did!' urges, so I didn't even really know to think about who all would know about this. Which is evidently about all the group of his retained from school friends, who, amusingly enough, makes up a good deal of our day to day guests/visitors.
In any case, that's off subject, but I've hit a wall on explaining why I actively encouraged him. I just never saw sex as much past fun, and feeling good, so it doesn't matter to be so long as no one is hiding it. I like/need advance notice in case of objections to the who or when, or a general need to discuss something. I would just like for him to eventually be able to enjoy playing with other people without worrying about the reaction, or expecting that someone wants something more because of it. ~shrug~
I dunno, I never really got my snuggly calm down time yesterday so my head is still a jumble, leading to a high chance that none of this makes sense, but I tried, dammit!
I originally asked him to during an argument/discussion thing way back when. He could not understand how I see no issues with sex outside of an established romantic relationship. This topic tends to come up semi-frequently during some arguments, or pretty well any time someone is feeling introspective (Yes, we talk about sex almost as much as I use parenthesis). Since it is a semi frequent discussion there's been much opportunity to establish that Master has little to no actual issues with the idea, he just has issues with how it has affected my life and behaviors.
I have always kind of wished he'd take advantage of the possibilities presented to him. I'd like him to 'get' that having sex with someone, or wanting sex with someone, isn't a hidden ploy to replace who you're with in some instances. He has a weird (to me) sense of having to do what is acceptable, rather that lines up with what he wants to experience or not.
So, I wanted him to, for once in his life, have sex without it having anything to do with a relationship. To actually have no expectations of what would come after, if that makes any sense?
Of course, that was something of a fail as he choose a girl he's had a thing for going back to high school, and who is a friend. Which now puts me in a somewhat awkward spot. I still have no actual objections, but I'd have preferred it were someone less attached to him, preferably without a child, and definitely who would not have had a different friend texting Master later that day about how he heard about his 'good day'.
Yeah, that last part is what is bothering me, the rest would have just been some 'eh, not ideal, but ok' thoughts. I've never really had any 'have to tell someone what I did!' urges, so I didn't even really know to think about who all would know about this. Which is evidently about all the group of his retained from school friends, who, amusingly enough, makes up a good deal of our day to day guests/visitors.
In any case, that's off subject, but I've hit a wall on explaining why I actively encouraged him. I just never saw sex as much past fun, and feeling good, so it doesn't matter to be so long as no one is hiding it. I like/need advance notice in case of objections to the who or when, or a general need to discuss something. I would just like for him to eventually be able to enjoy playing with other people without worrying about the reaction, or expecting that someone wants something more because of it. ~shrug~
I dunno, I never really got my snuggly calm down time yesterday so my head is still a jumble, leading to a high chance that none of this makes sense, but I tried, dammit!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Weekend rambling
I have no great or even interesting ideas to write about today. My world is rather boring at the moment. I have the smaller child home from Grandmas, and the bigger one is getting dropped off here in a little bit. His cousin had just shown up at the in laws and they wanted to play for a while so he got to stay for a while.
Friday I kept getting birth control posts, and articles, and everything else under the sun, tossed at me from anything I did online. Which is actually a good thing, as it reminded me, and then kept reminding me, that I needed to make an appointment to see about some type of contraceptive.
I have never in my life been on a hormonal birth control, so I'm somewhat scared. I'm terrified of how this will interact with my already issue ridden mental state. Oh yeah, both times I've had a kid, I've seriously considered it, but after the first we moved out of state before the appointment, the second time just had scheduling issues and then got forgotten about.
But, the 12th, immediately after the little guy goes to school, I get to run to the other side of town for an Implanon consult, hoping I manage to get there on time (8:45). And then however long after that it takes them to get the damned thing in I get to go back in.
What's kind of amusing here is that Master and I rarely have sex that could result in pregnancy. Or at least it hasn't been a big part of anything lately. Some chance, just not a lot, ya know? I simply could not handle another little person right now. Master is rather anti contraception, so the deal is basically I have to do it all by myself. He'll give me a ride, help with cost if needed, etc, but he's not going to tell me what to do, if that makes sense? Nor remind me to call and set up appointments, etc.
I'm still kind of worried he's upset with me though. I don't actually think he is, he knows that I'm scared shitless of another pregnancy, and that a while back I lost what was likely a 6-8 week pregnancy and still feel bad over it since I'd spent the entire time leading up to it going 'please don't be a baby, please just be my wonky cycle freaking me out'. All that together, I don't think he's actually upset, I'm pretty sure it's me being paranoid and at least a little bit fragile.
So yeah, that's a long ass ramble about nothing special, just the randomness that's been running through my head over a rather boring weekend. I hope tomorrow that I can spend some of the little guys school day curled up near Master and try to get my head straightened out and quieted down some.
Friday I kept getting birth control posts, and articles, and everything else under the sun, tossed at me from anything I did online. Which is actually a good thing, as it reminded me, and then kept reminding me, that I needed to make an appointment to see about some type of contraceptive.
I have never in my life been on a hormonal birth control, so I'm somewhat scared. I'm terrified of how this will interact with my already issue ridden mental state. Oh yeah, both times I've had a kid, I've seriously considered it, but after the first we moved out of state before the appointment, the second time just had scheduling issues and then got forgotten about.
But, the 12th, immediately after the little guy goes to school, I get to run to the other side of town for an Implanon consult, hoping I manage to get there on time (8:45). And then however long after that it takes them to get the damned thing in I get to go back in.
What's kind of amusing here is that Master and I rarely have sex that could result in pregnancy. Or at least it hasn't been a big part of anything lately. Some chance, just not a lot, ya know? I simply could not handle another little person right now. Master is rather anti contraception, so the deal is basically I have to do it all by myself. He'll give me a ride, help with cost if needed, etc, but he's not going to tell me what to do, if that makes sense? Nor remind me to call and set up appointments, etc.
I'm still kind of worried he's upset with me though. I don't actually think he is, he knows that I'm scared shitless of another pregnancy, and that a while back I lost what was likely a 6-8 week pregnancy and still feel bad over it since I'd spent the entire time leading up to it going 'please don't be a baby, please just be my wonky cycle freaking me out'. All that together, I don't think he's actually upset, I'm pretty sure it's me being paranoid and at least a little bit fragile.
So yeah, that's a long ass ramble about nothing special, just the randomness that's been running through my head over a rather boring weekend. I hope tomorrow that I can spend some of the little guys school day curled up near Master and try to get my head straightened out and quieted down some.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Why didn't I think of that?!
This is random, but I'm excited and I don't think Master would appreciate me calling him to share.
I just read the most awesome thing ever. I was going through the old posts on Dead Cow Girl (awesome blog by a pro Domme, if you don't know what I'm talking about), and she was talking about her sisters bachlorette party. And getting dressed for it. Including...
Socks.
Under.
Fishnets.
Why in the world did it never occur to me to put socks on under these things to avoid them digging in between my toes? I mean seriously, I wear fishnet stockings about any time I feel like teasing Master to the point of a fun-type ass beating. Under my everyday clothes with heeled boots, so they can dig in pretty good, but nooo...I never went 'Huh, I could put socks UNDER these things and be comfortable.'
So, am I the only person in the world who never thought about this, or what?
I just read the most awesome thing ever. I was going through the old posts on Dead Cow Girl (awesome blog by a pro Domme, if you don't know what I'm talking about), and she was talking about her sisters bachlorette party. And getting dressed for it. Including...
Socks.
Under.
Fishnets.
Why in the world did it never occur to me to put socks on under these things to avoid them digging in between my toes? I mean seriously, I wear fishnet stockings about any time I feel like teasing Master to the point of a fun-type ass beating. Under my everyday clothes with heeled boots, so they can dig in pretty good, but nooo...I never went 'Huh, I could put socks UNDER these things and be comfortable.'
So, am I the only person in the world who never thought about this, or what?
Annoying days
So, evidently I'm in bitch mode.
It really isn't intentional, nothing more than normal is bothering me, nothing new is going on, just the past 24 hours or so my self control on things is next to non-existent.
I hate that this happens. I hate that it seems like a convenient excuse to be a brat, an ass, and throw a fit over everything. I don't want to be those things, or do them, but I'll catch myself in the midst of it and try to stop myself only to realize that I've affected everyone around me to the point that it seems impossible to stop it. I know it pisses the male off. I'll be mid rant, or argument, and have a switch flip where it's like 'Shit! I'm sorry, can we just pretend the past hour didn't happen?'
...Of course that doesn't work. Just because I can go from pissed to calm in a split second, that's not the way a normal brain functions. Hell, it's not even the way a 'normal' bipolar person functions. Yay for 'ultradian' (ultra quick cycling) bipolar with a healthy dose of anxiety bullshit thrown in. Just because I'm suddenly no longer excited about whatever is bothering me doesn't mean I haven't gotten him worked up over it.
I wish my mood and energy level had a 'pause' and 'skip' option. Good mood AND energetic? Awesome, lets stop here for more than 15 minutes and go finish cleaning and take the kids to the park. Depressed and hyper? Screw it, lets avoid the temptation to draw blood and just skip on past. Craving touch and content? Cool, lets just pause this and I can get some patient loving on Master done. Irritable and groggy? Bye bye, don't want to do the bitchy sniping. Actually focused and awake? Good time to stay here until I've written that paper.
Unfortunately, I don't get that. I get to go from one to the other at least every couple weeks, sometimes every few minutes, but more likely, every day or two. This was bad enough as a teenager. Ended up failing my freshman AND sophomore years of high school due to attendance (while still carrying a 'B' grade average, for the record, this amuses me). Screwed over pretty well every interest I had. It's hard to finish a painting or a poem if your mood switches halfway through. It's hard to manage to keep a color guard flag up and in time with your group when you're distracted by everything because you haven't been able to actually sleep in a week.
Now? It's harder. I've stabilized, some. I haven't been unable to sleep for weeks at a time in the past few years. I haven't had the urge to keep cutting my skin until I couldn't find anywhere that I could get a straight, uninterrupted line (I'm weird, I know a lot of people who injure themselves and none of them have my hate of crossing cuts, I still don't fully understand why on that). I still have times where I cannot stay still, or where I feel like if I don't get out of my house I'm going to suffocate. I still have times when nothing is right, and I'm convinced it never will be.
So, while I seem a little better, overall, my life now is even less forgiving of my flaws. I can't just expect my Master to do for himself and leave me alone when I need it like I could with my mother. I definitely can't expect that from my kids. When I want to curl up in a ball and cry for a week, I scare them all. When I want to be left alone with paint and canvas, I end up with small hands wanting to do it too, and needing fed, and loved on, and bathed. I can ignore all of that for me, but not for them.
That's not even really touching on the havoc it causes with the relationship dynamic we've chosen. Why bother, then, right? Why not let it just go away, and take one of the issues away. We should be able to remove that whole ball of fuzzy and stressful, right?
No.
We really can't. First, I don't think either one of us would know what to do. Oh, we could probably fumble through a day or two, but it'd eventually end up being a bigger problem to remove this thing we do from our lives than it is to just do it. I do require extra care, extra attention, and occasional leniency, but I require that no matter what. My husband, my Master, and I started in a normal, every day, relationship. Denying the urge to curl up at his feet and focus on pleasing him caused so many issues. I have always wanted to be where I am. Not being here scares me more than being here does, ya know?
Gah. This has become insanely long, and I apologize. If the language offends you, I also apologize for that, but I did show remarkable restraint by not making every other word 'fuck' like this thought process did while it was in my head. Though I guess that statement should head off every blog post that I haven't written in advance and taken the time to edit :)
If you've made it this far, thanks for hanging in through the mess.
It really isn't intentional, nothing more than normal is bothering me, nothing new is going on, just the past 24 hours or so my self control on things is next to non-existent.
I hate that this happens. I hate that it seems like a convenient excuse to be a brat, an ass, and throw a fit over everything. I don't want to be those things, or do them, but I'll catch myself in the midst of it and try to stop myself only to realize that I've affected everyone around me to the point that it seems impossible to stop it. I know it pisses the male off. I'll be mid rant, or argument, and have a switch flip where it's like 'Shit! I'm sorry, can we just pretend the past hour didn't happen?'
...Of course that doesn't work. Just because I can go from pissed to calm in a split second, that's not the way a normal brain functions. Hell, it's not even the way a 'normal' bipolar person functions. Yay for 'ultradian' (ultra quick cycling) bipolar with a healthy dose of anxiety bullshit thrown in. Just because I'm suddenly no longer excited about whatever is bothering me doesn't mean I haven't gotten him worked up over it.
I wish my mood and energy level had a 'pause' and 'skip' option. Good mood AND energetic? Awesome, lets stop here for more than 15 minutes and go finish cleaning and take the kids to the park. Depressed and hyper? Screw it, lets avoid the temptation to draw blood and just skip on past. Craving touch and content? Cool, lets just pause this and I can get some patient loving on Master done. Irritable and groggy? Bye bye, don't want to do the bitchy sniping. Actually focused and awake? Good time to stay here until I've written that paper.
Unfortunately, I don't get that. I get to go from one to the other at least every couple weeks, sometimes every few minutes, but more likely, every day or two. This was bad enough as a teenager. Ended up failing my freshman AND sophomore years of high school due to attendance (while still carrying a 'B' grade average, for the record, this amuses me). Screwed over pretty well every interest I had. It's hard to finish a painting or a poem if your mood switches halfway through. It's hard to manage to keep a color guard flag up and in time with your group when you're distracted by everything because you haven't been able to actually sleep in a week.
Now? It's harder. I've stabilized, some. I haven't been unable to sleep for weeks at a time in the past few years. I haven't had the urge to keep cutting my skin until I couldn't find anywhere that I could get a straight, uninterrupted line (I'm weird, I know a lot of people who injure themselves and none of them have my hate of crossing cuts, I still don't fully understand why on that). I still have times where I cannot stay still, or where I feel like if I don't get out of my house I'm going to suffocate. I still have times when nothing is right, and I'm convinced it never will be.
So, while I seem a little better, overall, my life now is even less forgiving of my flaws. I can't just expect my Master to do for himself and leave me alone when I need it like I could with my mother. I definitely can't expect that from my kids. When I want to curl up in a ball and cry for a week, I scare them all. When I want to be left alone with paint and canvas, I end up with small hands wanting to do it too, and needing fed, and loved on, and bathed. I can ignore all of that for me, but not for them.
That's not even really touching on the havoc it causes with the relationship dynamic we've chosen. Why bother, then, right? Why not let it just go away, and take one of the issues away. We should be able to remove that whole ball of fuzzy and stressful, right?
No.
We really can't. First, I don't think either one of us would know what to do. Oh, we could probably fumble through a day or two, but it'd eventually end up being a bigger problem to remove this thing we do from our lives than it is to just do it. I do require extra care, extra attention, and occasional leniency, but I require that no matter what. My husband, my Master, and I started in a normal, every day, relationship. Denying the urge to curl up at his feet and focus on pleasing him caused so many issues. I have always wanted to be where I am. Not being here scares me more than being here does, ya know?
Gah. This has become insanely long, and I apologize. If the language offends you, I also apologize for that, but I did show remarkable restraint by not making every other word 'fuck' like this thought process did while it was in my head. Though I guess that statement should head off every blog post that I haven't written in advance and taken the time to edit :)
If you've made it this far, thanks for hanging in through the mess.
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