Counting down

We're two weeks out from our sons birthday.

We're a week from Masters birthday.

A little under two weeks from our 7th 'general' anniversary, and our 5th wedding anniversary.

A month from my birthday.

And later in the summer is a kid birthday.

This is obviously not including:

Mothers day
Memorial Day
Fathers Day
4th of July

Other family birthdays, personal memorial type days/holy days/trying times.

And all the other random things.

From April until August our lives are a clusterfuck. No nice way to put it really. A jumbled mess of 'Ok, one down, what's up next?'

And right now, were rather broke. I'd originally intended/planned on using my financial aid overage from school to get out of here for a few days on/around our anniversary. While its not the most prudent use of funds, Master and I both just need a break, and some time without little people, work, etc. He agreed, and we were planning things, but I failed to meet my needed progress for school and am now having to break for a month or two while appealing. My own fault. Head issues earlier in my term leading to falling behind, which triggered anxiety bull crap which lead to even more falling behind and I just couldn't do it. Add in a death in the family and worrying about people whom I love over that, and it was just a mess.

And I'm feeling like a failure. Really. I don't often decide on things, or suggest them, purely on my own. Let alone 3-4 days of 'Master, this is what I want, and I think it will help. Here's how I intend to make it work if it's okay with you.'

And the one time I do, I screw it up. Sure, I have reasons and what sound like excuses why it happened, but to me, that's just utter bull and shouldn't have mattered. I should have been able to do it, no matter how fragile, or screwed up, I was, whatever else came my way, I should have been able to. I still feel like that.

And now I'm sitting here kicking my own ass over it. Master hasn't said anything about it, I think he knows I'm upsetting myself over this enough, and really has nothing to say. Telling me things will be okay and work out fine would be the natural inclination, but that crap just tends to upset me more, since as I see it, they shouldn't have to be 'fine' or 'work out.' This shit should already have been taken care of, no wriggle or rearranging required, ya know?

In any case, I am now at a loss of what to do to celebrate the happy stuff coming up.  Master agreed to work a LOT over the next couple weeks to make sure he had our anniversary and Memorial Day off. So he's working over a week straight around his birthday. So he'll be exhausted on it, probably. Just so he could have a weekend away that we're not even going to be able to do. Gah. I feel like shit over it, but I can't think of anything awesome to do for him besides favorite foods and such, and even then, he works in a damned kitchen, so it seems pitiful. Well, favorite foods and good sex, but the second I try to do anyways ^.~

Blergh, I'll be rambline again later probably, right now just needed to type out the random gunk and list of 'Oh. My. Everloving. Fuck ME.'