So. Life doesn't really suck, obviously. Car's broke. We're broke. And my head hurts. Which explains the title of the post.
In all actuality, I'm kind of giddy happy though. The kids are past bedtime, but still need baths, so that's gonna happen. Then the bed and snuggles and 20 minutes of 'But mooommmmm!' from the bigger one.
But then after that? I do believe I'll be getting in the tub. And then getting skankified. Because damn it, I want pretty clothes, heels, and everything that goes with it for a while.Plus I teased Master with it before he went into work, and while he has made it home before I've managed to complete the kids day and get onto my plan for our night, I think it's still a good thing to go ahead and do. It seems like it could be worthwhile for our evening since we've been being in a general mess lately.
So, that's the plan, and hopefully I'll think life sucks less here in about an hour and a half ^.~
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Monday, May 28, 2012
Through the mess
Well, if you read my little timeline thing, you know we're mostly clear of EVERYTHING for a whole...2.5 weeks? And even then, that's MY birthday, so I don't much worry about it besides making sure there's food I like and spend the day snuggling up to people I love. So pretty well stress-less.
We made it through our anniversary weekend (last week) pretty well. Snuggles, and movies, and friends. An evening of giggling at Master and his friend when he underestimated the Kraken and drank more than he should have.And he tends to dislike rum to start with, so more amusing than it should have been if you add in that little bit of knowledge.
This weekend...Not so good. I hate holidays. More importantly, I hate holidays that tend to be family centered/oriented. I tend to be told no one is planning on doing anything, and then find out they went and did XY and Z. Together. As a family. Conveniently not informing one of their children. Granted, this is not 'my' family. This is the males family. And he's the child who is not informed. I dunno. I guess it just bothers me since if it WAS 'my' family, I wouldn't have an issue with doing the 'Hey, that fucking hurts. Why the hell do you tell us you're not doing anything over a long weekend, and then an hour later I get to start seeing posts on my Facebook feed about how all of you went and did (whatever)?' talk. As it is, they're not 'my' family. It's made clear to me every time I try to mention something that's bothering me. Or every time someone needs to ask ME for something. It's ridiculous. If you need to ask me a favor, why call, ask for your son, and then have him ask me? Couldn't you have just asked when I answered? If I mention 'Hey, it was kind of shitty to find out that ya'll invited everyone else to do thing X when I had JUST asked about it and was told it wasn't happening' to anyone it's a 'Oh, well, we didn't plan on it' or 'We told Master (obviously they don't call him Master :P).' Additionally annoying when I ask him about it and he wasn't told. ~shrug~
It's just... GAH. We moved back here to be near Master's family. They wanted to be involved with him and any kids we'd have. Not to go into to much detail, there was begging and crying and damned near threats because they were being 'cheated' by us living one state over. So, when job and housing opportunity was better here than there, we went ahead and moved back. And now... This shit. I just dunno ~shrug~
Sorry, I'm using this as a place to randomly vent again. I really shouldn't. It's not the intent, overall, but when I sit down to write something, sometimes this randomness is all that comes up, ya know? And then I go 'screw it, I need to update, and this is all I've got' so onto the interwebs it goes.
We made it through our anniversary weekend (last week) pretty well. Snuggles, and movies, and friends. An evening of giggling at Master and his friend when he underestimated the Kraken and drank more than he should have.And he tends to dislike rum to start with, so more amusing than it should have been if you add in that little bit of knowledge.
This weekend...Not so good. I hate holidays. More importantly, I hate holidays that tend to be family centered/oriented. I tend to be told no one is planning on doing anything, and then find out they went and did XY and Z. Together. As a family. Conveniently not informing one of their children. Granted, this is not 'my' family. This is the males family. And he's the child who is not informed. I dunno. I guess it just bothers me since if it WAS 'my' family, I wouldn't have an issue with doing the 'Hey, that fucking hurts. Why the hell do you tell us you're not doing anything over a long weekend, and then an hour later I get to start seeing posts on my Facebook feed about how all of you went and did (whatever)?' talk. As it is, they're not 'my' family. It's made clear to me every time I try to mention something that's bothering me. Or every time someone needs to ask ME for something. It's ridiculous. If you need to ask me a favor, why call, ask for your son, and then have him ask me? Couldn't you have just asked when I answered? If I mention 'Hey, it was kind of shitty to find out that ya'll invited everyone else to do thing X when I had JUST asked about it and was told it wasn't happening' to anyone it's a 'Oh, well, we didn't plan on it' or 'We told Master (obviously they don't call him Master :P).' Additionally annoying when I ask him about it and he wasn't told. ~shrug~
It's just... GAH. We moved back here to be near Master's family. They wanted to be involved with him and any kids we'd have. Not to go into to much detail, there was begging and crying and damned near threats because they were being 'cheated' by us living one state over. So, when job and housing opportunity was better here than there, we went ahead and moved back. And now... This shit. I just dunno ~shrug~
Sorry, I'm using this as a place to randomly vent again. I really shouldn't. It's not the intent, overall, but when I sit down to write something, sometimes this randomness is all that comes up, ya know? And then I go 'screw it, I need to update, and this is all I've got' so onto the interwebs it goes.
Thursday, May 17, 2012
running through my head
I get to thinking sometimes and start wondering random things.
Why am I fine with being pushed forward, pants pulled down, and fucked in the hallway? I know most people would probably object. I get to hear all the time that sex should not be a concession and should be mutually desired by both parties and yadda yadda yadda. I can kinda agree, I guess? Not really, it just doesn't seem like that big a deal. I've mentioned it before, waiting for both people to be completely into the same sex act at the same time just seems way to much like a gamble, overall.
Why don't I think twice if I feel a hand wrapped around my throat, or a catching my hair without real warning besides the half conscious ignoring of someone talking when I'm occupied with something? It more seems right than worrying.
As long as the rules and expectations are clear to me, there's actually very little I find worth concern. Maybe that's all it is. Maybe it's just the willingness to accept things I like, or want, or enjoy. Maybe it's just laying it bare somewhere to start with. While Master and I only agreed to the specific roles of our relationship relatively recently, what both of us wanted everyday activity wise was talked over, sorted out, and agreed to a long long LONG time ago.
Beyond that though, I wonder why it is that I actually enjoy, or need, or whatever, the daily occurrences of my life that aren't the norm. I wonder why I tick the way that I do, basically. It seems like by now biology/evolution/whatever would have bred my wants and needs out of a species as a basic of survival. Seems like wanting to be hurt, to bleed, is contrary to everything that should be needed. I don't know, really. I understand that mental processing varies and has quirks that defy the standard. Just seems like there are to many people who share those urges for it to make any sense, I suppose.
Yup, I definitely wonder some random things, and trying to apply logic just makes me wonder a whole other set of random things.
Why am I fine with being pushed forward, pants pulled down, and fucked in the hallway? I know most people would probably object. I get to hear all the time that sex should not be a concession and should be mutually desired by both parties and yadda yadda yadda. I can kinda agree, I guess? Not really, it just doesn't seem like that big a deal. I've mentioned it before, waiting for both people to be completely into the same sex act at the same time just seems way to much like a gamble, overall.
Why don't I think twice if I feel a hand wrapped around my throat, or a catching my hair without real warning besides the half conscious ignoring of someone talking when I'm occupied with something? It more seems right than worrying.
As long as the rules and expectations are clear to me, there's actually very little I find worth concern. Maybe that's all it is. Maybe it's just the willingness to accept things I like, or want, or enjoy. Maybe it's just laying it bare somewhere to start with. While Master and I only agreed to the specific roles of our relationship relatively recently, what both of us wanted everyday activity wise was talked over, sorted out, and agreed to a long long LONG time ago.
Beyond that though, I wonder why it is that I actually enjoy, or need, or whatever, the daily occurrences of my life that aren't the norm. I wonder why I tick the way that I do, basically. It seems like by now biology/evolution/whatever would have bred my wants and needs out of a species as a basic of survival. Seems like wanting to be hurt, to bleed, is contrary to everything that should be needed. I don't know, really. I understand that mental processing varies and has quirks that defy the standard. Just seems like there are to many people who share those urges for it to make any sense, I suppose.
Yup, I definitely wonder some random things, and trying to apply logic just makes me wonder a whole other set of random things.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Frustration
Another random post because I feel bad about my lack of blog activity.
It's Master's birthday. He's at work, so I walked over to the grocery with the smaller child. While she was refusing to nap, by the way. By the time I'm done it's obvious she needs to close her eyes and sleep, so we get through checkout. I want to grab a cherry Coke, but the grocery doesn't carry them in the cooler the great majority of the time, but no big deal, there's a Dollar General next door.
So, pack the kids stroller with the groceries and head next door. Let the cashier know 'Hey, I've got stuff in the stroller from another store, just grabbing a soda from the cooler and heading out.' Mind you, we're a one car family, so any time I need to pick something up while Master is working, I tend to just walk over there as I did, and have never had an issue with just letting it be known that I do have stuff, and am just after XYZ from the other store.
Except today, where the dollar store employee decides that I need to either empty out the stroller or take the kid out. Neither is really feasible. If you have experience with over loaded umbrella strollers, you may know the problem. They're not stable. At all. Like take the kid out and it will tilt back and crash.
And, for me anyway, unpacking and repacking the thing would have taken at least 10-15 minutes, when it takes me maybe 15 to just walk home. So yeah, I admit, I was semi-rude. And just kind of stared at her and went something like 'Really? I am literally after a soda. Like walk 10 feet into the store to the cooler, turn around, walk two feet to the register, pay, and then the other 8 feet back to the door so I can leave.'
She says that she 'guesses that's okay' but the tone involved screams it's not, and the attitude is grating on me and I know myself well enough to know that at this point staying is a bad idea, said forget it and left. And I really really REALLY hate that for some reason me being upset and leaving somewhere rather than causing a scene seems to trigger people to start going off.
In this instance, where I know policy overall is not in my favor, I just continued walking out rather than pointing out that I am a frequent customer, and no one has ever had an issue with me explaining what's up and getting what I'm after quickly, and at this point I've already been in the store twice as long as I would have been if I just hadn't told her 'Hey, I have stuff' and grabbed my pop.
But, still annoying. Good news, I didn't go psycho on anyone, which is an improvement, I guess. I got the main objectives covered, which was stuff for dinner (enchiladas, by the way), use my soon to be expiring coupons and store credit slip to grab Master a back up razor, and get breakfast food for myself and the littles. I just hate that today, with the cranky toddler, the trying to hurry so I could get back here to bake, and etc is the day that I get the grumpy chick at the store, ya know?
In other, less pissed off, news! Anniversary is coming up, and that means multiple days with no small children in my house. I am hoping for fun stuff (of the kinky/painful variety) and sleep. What can I say? I'm easy :P
It's Master's birthday. He's at work, so I walked over to the grocery with the smaller child. While she was refusing to nap, by the way. By the time I'm done it's obvious she needs to close her eyes and sleep, so we get through checkout. I want to grab a cherry Coke, but the grocery doesn't carry them in the cooler the great majority of the time, but no big deal, there's a Dollar General next door.
So, pack the kids stroller with the groceries and head next door. Let the cashier know 'Hey, I've got stuff in the stroller from another store, just grabbing a soda from the cooler and heading out.' Mind you, we're a one car family, so any time I need to pick something up while Master is working, I tend to just walk over there as I did, and have never had an issue with just letting it be known that I do have stuff, and am just after XYZ from the other store.
Except today, where the dollar store employee decides that I need to either empty out the stroller or take the kid out. Neither is really feasible. If you have experience with over loaded umbrella strollers, you may know the problem. They're not stable. At all. Like take the kid out and it will tilt back and crash.
And, for me anyway, unpacking and repacking the thing would have taken at least 10-15 minutes, when it takes me maybe 15 to just walk home. So yeah, I admit, I was semi-rude. And just kind of stared at her and went something like 'Really? I am literally after a soda. Like walk 10 feet into the store to the cooler, turn around, walk two feet to the register, pay, and then the other 8 feet back to the door so I can leave.'
She says that she 'guesses that's okay' but the tone involved screams it's not, and the attitude is grating on me and I know myself well enough to know that at this point staying is a bad idea, said forget it and left. And I really really REALLY hate that for some reason me being upset and leaving somewhere rather than causing a scene seems to trigger people to start going off.
In this instance, where I know policy overall is not in my favor, I just continued walking out rather than pointing out that I am a frequent customer, and no one has ever had an issue with me explaining what's up and getting what I'm after quickly, and at this point I've already been in the store twice as long as I would have been if I just hadn't told her 'Hey, I have stuff' and grabbed my pop.
But, still annoying. Good news, I didn't go psycho on anyone, which is an improvement, I guess. I got the main objectives covered, which was stuff for dinner (enchiladas, by the way), use my soon to be expiring coupons and store credit slip to grab Master a back up razor, and get breakfast food for myself and the littles. I just hate that today, with the cranky toddler, the trying to hurry so I could get back here to bake, and etc is the day that I get the grumpy chick at the store, ya know?
In other, less pissed off, news! Anniversary is coming up, and that means multiple days with no small children in my house. I am hoping for fun stuff (of the kinky/painful variety) and sleep. What can I say? I'm easy :P
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Counting down
We're two weeks out from our sons birthday.
We're a week from Masters birthday.
A little under two weeks from our 7th 'general' anniversary, and our 5th wedding anniversary.
A month from my birthday.
And later in the summer is a kid birthday.
This is obviously not including:
Mothers day
Memorial Day
Fathers Day
4th of July
Other family birthdays, personal memorial type days/holy days/trying times.
And all the other random things.
From April until August our lives are a clusterfuck. No nice way to put it really. A jumbled mess of 'Ok, one down, what's up next?'
And right now, were rather broke. I'd originally intended/planned on using my financial aid overage from school to get out of here for a few days on/around our anniversary. While its not the most prudent use of funds, Master and I both just need a break, and some time without little people, work, etc. He agreed, and we were planning things, but I failed to meet my needed progress for school and am now having to break for a month or two while appealing. My own fault. Head issues earlier in my term leading to falling behind, which triggered anxiety bull crap which lead to even more falling behind and I just couldn't do it. Add in a death in the family and worrying about people whom I love over that, and it was just a mess.
And I'm feeling like a failure. Really. I don't often decide on things, or suggest them, purely on my own. Let alone 3-4 days of 'Master, this is what I want, and I think it will help. Here's how I intend to make it work if it's okay with you.'
And the one time I do, I screw it up. Sure, I have reasons and what sound like excuses why it happened, but to me, that's just utter bull and shouldn't have mattered. I should have been able to do it, no matter how fragile, or screwed up, I was, whatever else came my way, I should have been able to. I still feel like that.
And now I'm sitting here kicking my own ass over it. Master hasn't said anything about it, I think he knows I'm upsetting myself over this enough, and really has nothing to say. Telling me things will be okay and work out fine would be the natural inclination, but that crap just tends to upset me more, since as I see it, they shouldn't have to be 'fine' or 'work out.' This shit should already have been taken care of, no wriggle or rearranging required, ya know?
In any case, I am now at a loss of what to do to celebrate the happy stuff coming up. Master agreed to work a LOT over the next couple weeks to make sure he had our anniversary and Memorial Day off. So he's working over a week straight around his birthday. So he'll be exhausted on it, probably. Just so he could have a weekend away that we're not even going to be able to do. Gah. I feel like shit over it, but I can't think of anything awesome to do for him besides favorite foods and such, and even then, he works in a damned kitchen, so it seems pitiful. Well, favorite foods and good sex, but the second I try to do anyways ^.~
Blergh, I'll be rambline again later probably, right now just needed to type out the random gunk and list of 'Oh. My. Everloving. Fuck ME.'
We're a week from Masters birthday.
A little under two weeks from our 7th 'general' anniversary, and our 5th wedding anniversary.
A month from my birthday.
And later in the summer is a kid birthday.
This is obviously not including:
Mothers day
Memorial Day
Fathers Day
4th of July
Other family birthdays, personal memorial type days/holy days/trying times.
And all the other random things.
From April until August our lives are a clusterfuck. No nice way to put it really. A jumbled mess of 'Ok, one down, what's up next?'
And right now, were rather broke. I'd originally intended/planned on using my financial aid overage from school to get out of here for a few days on/around our anniversary. While its not the most prudent use of funds, Master and I both just need a break, and some time without little people, work, etc. He agreed, and we were planning things, but I failed to meet my needed progress for school and am now having to break for a month or two while appealing. My own fault. Head issues earlier in my term leading to falling behind, which triggered anxiety bull crap which lead to even more falling behind and I just couldn't do it. Add in a death in the family and worrying about people whom I love over that, and it was just a mess.
And I'm feeling like a failure. Really. I don't often decide on things, or suggest them, purely on my own. Let alone 3-4 days of 'Master, this is what I want, and I think it will help. Here's how I intend to make it work if it's okay with you.'
And the one time I do, I screw it up. Sure, I have reasons and what sound like excuses why it happened, but to me, that's just utter bull and shouldn't have mattered. I should have been able to do it, no matter how fragile, or screwed up, I was, whatever else came my way, I should have been able to. I still feel like that.
And now I'm sitting here kicking my own ass over it. Master hasn't said anything about it, I think he knows I'm upsetting myself over this enough, and really has nothing to say. Telling me things will be okay and work out fine would be the natural inclination, but that crap just tends to upset me more, since as I see it, they shouldn't have to be 'fine' or 'work out.' This shit should already have been taken care of, no wriggle or rearranging required, ya know?
In any case, I am now at a loss of what to do to celebrate the happy stuff coming up. Master agreed to work a LOT over the next couple weeks to make sure he had our anniversary and Memorial Day off. So he's working over a week straight around his birthday. So he'll be exhausted on it, probably. Just so he could have a weekend away that we're not even going to be able to do. Gah. I feel like shit over it, but I can't think of anything awesome to do for him besides favorite foods and such, and even then, he works in a damned kitchen, so it seems pitiful. Well, favorite foods and good sex, but the second I try to do anyways ^.~
Blergh, I'll be rambline again later probably, right now just needed to type out the random gunk and list of 'Oh. My. Everloving. Fuck ME.'
Monday, May 7, 2012
Trouble
I got myself into trouble yesterday. Like intentionally.
And I honestly have no idea why.
I know what I did, but let's leave it at setting up a conversation via IM and leaving it where Master would find it.
The kicker on this is, I really have no clue as to why it seemed like the right idea, or a good one. I'm not just saying that to make myself out to be lost or confused, I just don't. I probably would have upset him less if I had a reason, like being able to say 'Hey, I'm feeling neglected,' or 'I need to talk to you about something, and don't know how to bring it up without starting a fight, so I just made sure there'd be one to start with.' I mean...Yeah, both of those would have been bad reasons, but at least reasons, and things that could be understood. A general feeling of discontent, and unease, and wanting to see what'd happen? Those aren't really reasons, ya know? And honestly, those really don't play in at all, or at least not that much. They're there, but more as an after-effect after the deed was done.
Blergh.
Yup. I'm a mess.
My head also says I don't wanna do that again, though, so hey, one good side effect of my own stupidity, right?
And I honestly have no idea why.
I know what I did, but let's leave it at setting up a conversation via IM and leaving it where Master would find it.
The kicker on this is, I really have no clue as to why it seemed like the right idea, or a good one. I'm not just saying that to make myself out to be lost or confused, I just don't. I probably would have upset him less if I had a reason, like being able to say 'Hey, I'm feeling neglected,' or 'I need to talk to you about something, and don't know how to bring it up without starting a fight, so I just made sure there'd be one to start with.' I mean...Yeah, both of those would have been bad reasons, but at least reasons, and things that could be understood. A general feeling of discontent, and unease, and wanting to see what'd happen? Those aren't really reasons, ya know? And honestly, those really don't play in at all, or at least not that much. They're there, but more as an after-effect after the deed was done.
Blergh.
Yup. I'm a mess.
My head also says I don't wanna do that again, though, so hey, one good side effect of my own stupidity, right?
Saturday, May 5, 2012
I'm back
Ok, Master is getting on me about him wanting me to update and post and all things related to my blog. Also known as: Actually do it. So I'll try. I'm trying to get everything else under control, scheduled in, and happening, so we'll try.
Which leads to a problem. My blog was originally intended to focus on my experiences in our dynamic. To not involve family, or my every day mess and life. I cannot do a blog only on that. Oh, I'll probably keep the main focus on that, but more of my life involves school, kids, home, cooking, and everything else. All of that is to better myself, to be more pleasing to him, or to help our lives. So I guess it still somewhat applies.
But it also means that on days like today,where I have nothing really related to BDSM in mind in a way that I can articulate, that I'm stuck.
All I know from the past two days, that I can think about, is this:
If you have a girl child, some days you're going to go 'Huh, I'm lazy, let's just rinse her off and throw on this cute little dress.' It's easy,and she looks adorable. You won't have to fiddle with pants and snaps and everything else every diaper change, and that is AWESOME.
Until you look at her and go...'Hmm. I think I'll do her hair n some pigtails or something. It'd be adorable with the sandals and that dress. I mean hell, a girl in a dress might as well look all the way cutified.'
This is where you start having problems. That toddler girl who will demand you brush or comb her hair for an hour doesn't want you to so much as touch her head if you have hair ties and clips in hand. She wants to flail around at Daddy, or rock back and forth playing peek-a-boo. Or just flail around going 'Nyah nyah! You can't get me!'
And you'll be dead seat on the pigtails, and the clippies for her fly-away hairs, and maybe even a bow. And you will engage your child in all out pretty hair contest of wills. While you may win the battle, you've already lost the war. As soon as you have it all done, she'll either pull it out, dump juice on her hair, or make a huge, bath requiring, mess.
Just don't. Whatever you do, do NOT decide that random days in cute sundresses require some cute hair to complete the adorable little girl persona. Unless your kid stays asleep through it all, it's probably not worth it unless it's for pictures, or the first five minutes of a family gathering.
See, completely out of place for what I was TRYING to write about here. :)
Which leads to a problem. My blog was originally intended to focus on my experiences in our dynamic. To not involve family, or my every day mess and life. I cannot do a blog only on that. Oh, I'll probably keep the main focus on that, but more of my life involves school, kids, home, cooking, and everything else. All of that is to better myself, to be more pleasing to him, or to help our lives. So I guess it still somewhat applies.
But it also means that on days like today,where I have nothing really related to BDSM in mind in a way that I can articulate, that I'm stuck.
All I know from the past two days, that I can think about, is this:
If you have a girl child, some days you're going to go 'Huh, I'm lazy, let's just rinse her off and throw on this cute little dress.' It's easy,and she looks adorable. You won't have to fiddle with pants and snaps and everything else every diaper change, and that is AWESOME.
Until you look at her and go...'Hmm. I think I'll do her hair n some pigtails or something. It'd be adorable with the sandals and that dress. I mean hell, a girl in a dress might as well look all the way cutified.'
This is where you start having problems. That toddler girl who will demand you brush or comb her hair for an hour doesn't want you to so much as touch her head if you have hair ties and clips in hand. She wants to flail around at Daddy, or rock back and forth playing peek-a-boo. Or just flail around going 'Nyah nyah! You can't get me!'
And you'll be dead seat on the pigtails, and the clippies for her fly-away hairs, and maybe even a bow. And you will engage your child in all out pretty hair contest of wills. While you may win the battle, you've already lost the war. As soon as you have it all done, she'll either pull it out, dump juice on her hair, or make a huge, bath requiring, mess.
Just don't. Whatever you do, do NOT decide that random days in cute sundresses require some cute hair to complete the adorable little girl persona. Unless your kid stays asleep through it all, it's probably not worth it unless it's for pictures, or the first five minutes of a family gathering.
See, completely out of place for what I was TRYING to write about here. :)
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